avril 14, 2004

touching (cheese alert)

i had an all-too-extended period in my life where i didn't want people to touch me, for any reason at all. casual taps on the shoulder made me recoil, and god help you if you grabbed me or startled me.



..i still don't know what triggered this; i know it was perpetuated by a series of unpleasant encounters, one of which comprised being thrown against a wall on 13th st. and having the contents of my shirt mauled by my date, despite my repeated protestations. that encounter ended with a long line of scratches on the responsible party's neck and a display of freakish strength on my part; i emerged unscathed (other than some bruises), but after that, i manifested my dislike with visible flinch when people i didn't know well attempted to touch me.



it ended last summer, when i finally encountered someone whose touch was gentle and delicious, and came accompanied by no sudden moves to make me shy away. though the relationship didn't, the lesson stuck, and i find myself a resolute contact junkie--discriminately, of course.



and it's a strange and exciting world. there are days when i want to simply absorb into dom, because being in contact with him feels so good--it calms me down, slows my heartbeat, banishes bad dreams. there are theories that this is a shared human trait, something built into our genetic heritage that makes us crave touch. ostensibly, it's connected to our fight or flight reflex--soothing touch gets it through our thick human skulls that we're someplace safe, that we're allowed to relax.



i don't really know much about that. 



what i do know: i can barely be in a room with my boy without wanting to touch him, and that we spend the entire night curled around each other, and that i never feel more peaceful than when my face is buried in the crook of his neck.



and that i can't believe i missed this stuff for years.



Posted by shivery at avril 14, 2004 02:49 AM
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