a last word, in relation to the previous entry.

my final, and most important new year's resolution, is something i neglected to mention, largely because it seemed...well...not flippant enough to include on my to do list. because it's very important.

it is this: i hereby resolve to never try to twist and contort myself into the shape that i think someone else wants me to be, ever again. starting now, i will call when i want to call, email when i want to email, bristle when i am angry, tell people i love them when i feel it, reserve the right to be direct when i'm disappointed, stop making excuses for other people's behavior, speak what's on my mind, expect an actual explanation when i ask a question, feel completely justified in wanting to talk every day, refuse to be treated like a dirty little secret, and expect to be appreciated like the fabulous creature i am and if people don't like it, they can fuck off and die. because if they're going to have me in their lives, they're going to have ME in their lives. not the shrinking little flower that is willing to compromise herself to keep people from running away. if i have to work that hard, and give up that much, they clearly don't want to be around me anyway.

i'm tired of trying to make other people happy by denying what i want. hell with that.

this new plan seems to be working much better so far.

addendum: someone wise put it simply thus: "we only commit treason against ourselves when we start practising contortionism to try to fit in some sort of case that's easy for someone else to carry around." i think that sums it up awfully well.