because i don't believe her for a second when she says she's okay.

as a creature that tends towards self-centrism when the chips are down, i have poured a lot of my focus inward these last few weeks. though i have popped my head up intermittently to offer what solace and comfort i can to my nearest and dearest, at all times a little part of me has remained with its eyes firmly trained on my own pain.

so far, only one person has managed to fully capture my attention. and blow me down if i am not just aching, breaking for her with every breath. she and i are running frighteningly similar gauntlets, though hers is mine raised to the eight millionth power. her heartbreak is borne of the sway of a stronger commitment than any i've ever had. her heartbreak is borne of a fury towards the self-proclaimed (though largely ineffectual) cavalry we've shared all our lives that burns and scorches everything in its path, leaving my own feelings of abandonment and relegation to afterthought insignificant. her heartbreak reduces mine to dust in seconds.

in the face of that fire, all i want is claw it out and bury it in the earth where it belongs. because i watch her, and i listen to her (those occasions we managed to cross paths)...and it's not that she can't fight this battle herself, it's not that she doesn't have the strength...it's just that it's a battle she shouldn't have to fight alone. it's a battle that nobody should fight alone. and having just been there (albeit to a lesser degree) i know how to fight this battle. obviously, i don't yet know how to win it. but i want to find that trick for her, even if i can't for myself.

i can't wage this fight for her, but i will throw down every gun i've got if any piece of it, of me, is what it will take to save her.