taking stock

i'm having trouble determining if the knowledge that it's not that he needs solitude, it's just that he can't be around me, makes this easier or harder. it's hard for me to accept that i am part of the problem, that my unwavering care and love and support are what's standing between him and his own peace. but apparently, that's true. apparently, as long as i was around to tell him how amazing he was, he could put off facing his demons. because what i was saying should have been enough, right? that's his rationale, anyway. and that's why he can't, or won't let me stand by him through this.


and he told me that he'd been thinking about this for months, and i told him i was furious that he had let it drag on. i told him i felt used, like i was some sort of confection he'd used to prop himself up while he decided what to do. i told him i felt he was a selfish bastard for not letting me support him or help him through this, or even telling me what was going on. and for letting me dangle while he decided if he could stay. and he agreed with me. partially. he admitted that he was selfish. but that it was never about making me dangle, or using me as a prop, because there was so much more value in it than just flattery and status; it was about waiting to see if he had no choice but to do this if he wanted to sort himself out, before giving me up.


there's a difference between being unhappy in a relationship and unhappy with the person you're in the relationship with. at least that's what he tells me. as far as i can tell, it feels the same.


it's going to take some time for me to wrap my head around the notion that the reason he's gone is that i made him happy, not because he needs to be alone. and that somehow the fact that i made him feel good about himself is what brought a lot of this on.

and while to a certain degree i understand, and while i finally got my reassurance that it was not because i was wrong for him but too too right, my heart and my head hurt more than i can say, because all the love i have wasn't enough. or maybe it was too much. and i'll never be able to comprehend this fully.
saying goodbye was one of the hardest things i've ever done; judging from the look on his face as i said it, the feeling was mutual. and there's some cold comfort in that. he took a wild chance on me at the outset, knowing full well that he wasn't ready for this, because he saw something special and specific in me that stirred (in the smallest of ways) something that nobody had for a while. there's some cold comfort in that, too. he says i'm one of the only things that has consistently made him happy. there's some cold comfort in that, too. but only a little , because i can't stop my heart from asking why that couldn't be enough.


dear readers, i now need two things from you:
1. please, please don't tell me what an ass he is. because that makes me feel stupid for loving him.
2. how do you get over a broken heart?