justify my

i am an asshole. i admit it.

between job stress (office move, pregnant boss giving birth three days before office move and leaving us all bewildered and confused, thinking i might not actually HAVE a job come the end of the year, getting reamed by the executive board), health stress (lumps in my neck that still haven't gone away, elevated blood pressure, disease scare), home stress (finding a new roommate and getting her sorted out), boy things and friend things, i've had my head so far up my ass that everything that didn't touch me on a regular basis got screened out. i got detached from my family, from some of my friends, from everything that keeps me sane. even my music.

so yeah. i pulled the family trick of not communicating. i failed to respond to emails. i failed to return a phone call. i, for all intents and purposes, dropped off the face of the earth.

i can see how you'd take that personally.
and i can't excuse the behavior.
but in my defense, if you'd taken time to investigate a little and find out that i've been OUT OF MY GOURD for the last six weeks and incapable of doing anything, really, you might not have felt the need to send me an email that made me cry. you might have given me the benefit of the doubt, just a little. or figured out that it's nothing to do with you, the pathetic nature of me in the last month or so. you had the resources. you had the person to ask who could have said "oh, yes, she's cracking up right now. please hold."

but whatever. clearly my poor course of action biased you against that path of thought. and that's fair.

but if you wanted me to feel bad, you've succeeded. i feel awful. and i'm sorry.

and i hope you'll take that. and accept that. and offer up a little compassion in this direction, at least enough to understand why i did what i did. even if you can't bring yourself to forgive me.

but that's your call. because whatever you've decided, i'm sure you've made up your mind.

that's all.