quandarius

i've finally hit that artistic wall that i have been sidestepping so neatly for the last five years. namely, the inevitable smackdown between my public and private life. you see, i've spent years writing songs about the ones who done me wrong; it's common knowledge, it's therapeutic, and it's never been a problem because by the time people get songs about them they're usually long gone and exiled from my life. i never had to worry about them being hurt by my music, by my reactions to them and the truths i realized in their company. by the time i aired that dirty laundry, the subjects no longer cared what i thought about them.


so what do i do now that i've written songs about someone who's still an important part of my life?


the quandary is not whether i was wrong or insensitive in writing the songs themselves--i stand by my rights to my feelings. and there have been moments where i, like everyone who has ever been in a relationship, have been hurt. and in those moments, i have done what i always do when i'm wounded. i have written about them, snapshots of those moments where i had no other way to salve the injury. but that's all they are--snapshots. by crystallizing them in song form, i have been able to freeze the feelings in fiberglass, cool them down enough to file them away. the problem is, while i grow desensitized to the things i say in my songs and start to look at them as pure craft, the people around me don't see that. for the people who don't live with my songs every day, the messages remain poignant and volatile.


and that's the problem.


by writing about these instances between us, i am able to heal. my concern is that the party concerned will not feel the same way. that perhaps he will interpret them as a sign of an ongoing grudge or resentment. and as such, i don't want to play them in public. because the point of these songs is not vengeance; the very last thing i want is to use my therapy to exacerbate the problem or cause another. the thing is, they're good songs. i'm really proud of them, and i want to show them off. but they point like long fingers as harshly as i've ever done.