fear of meat.

i have this strange aversion to cooking meat. i don't know why, or where it came from; considering i'm fairly adept in the kitchen, it seems like a rather odd affliction. i make a mean lasagna; i just wouldn't dream of doing it with anything other than spinach and ricotta cheese. i think it's a bit of a holdover from the lone quarter of home economics i was forced to take in the seventh grade. our teacher (a not-so-closet alcoholic whose coffee was so heavily spiked with brandy that we could frequently smell it as far back as the fourth row) had a pathology about salmonella and e coli--those pesky little bacteria that like to travel by meat. as such, she did her level best to instill in us a sense of urgency with regards to cleaning the kitchen after handling meat.

'use hot water! if it's not hot enough, the bacteria left on the chopping board might make someone sick! and you don't want that, now, do you?' (no, not especially. necessarily.)

of course, my eleven-year-old mind decided to take that a step further; if the bacteria left on the cutting board can make you sick, the bacteria in the meat must be able to KILL YOU BADLY! since i had no idea how much heat it would take to destroy the offending bacteria, or what i'd have to do to the meat, i basically just gave up on the idea of ever cooking it. i couldn't handle the pressure.

this particular course of action served me well through college, when i gave up all meat for a while, even exploring veganism (a short-lived incident, ending with a curious scene involving a block of cheese). also, the eating disorder helped with the not cooking of meat. or anything else. but, eventually i got out of school. and i started eating like a normal human being again. and i started reintroducing various meats into my diet, though i still retained a pathological terror of cooking them (thirteen years later, i still have a terrible fear of inadvertantly poisoning my dinner guests with an undercooked drumstick).

i stared down that fear last night.

while i am still too nervous to try anything wild, like, say, roasting a chicken, i am proud to report that i make a pretty decent salmon fillet with rosemary butter and roasted red peppers that thus far hasn't killed anyone!

up next:...i can't even think that far ahead. i whipped into such a frenzy over the prospect of poisoning Boy last night that i'm still too weary to even consider my next culinary triumph. really. unless that next triumph involves a dirty martini. i could probably consider that ok.