stress cadet

ever since the ill-fated review, i have been exceptionally....tense. i have been tied up in knots and unbelievably rife with stress. it's been making my heart flutter in terrible ways, in the way you get when someone startles you, the way it happens when you have a shot of adrenaline running through your system. if i were more paranoid than i already am, i would think im' developing a heart murmur. i know it's more along the lines that i've spent three weeks having a constant panic attack, and thus my cardiovascular system is in overdrive.

but i also note that in those moments when i am calm, when i am not thinking about work or moving or any of a host of other crises, the heart just tap tap taps away happily. the head stops hurting. the ears stop ringing. that said, i think i need to start making a conscious effort to calm the fuck down. i need to go somewhere. i need to sit in a nice quiet room by candlelight and daydream. i need to spend a quiet weekend alone. i need to hang things, paint my room, lacquer my kitchen table. make wire jewelry. i just need to start...i need to start paying attention to the fact that my life is not exclusively about stress.

i need:

1. newroommate to move in.

2. to settle up last bills and whatnot with currentroommate.

3. to nail this job interview and get a new job.

4. the ex to leave town so i can stop thinking about it.

5. a vacation. for real.

any three of these things will probably make the whitecaps in my blood go away.

and cutting down on the caffeine probably wouldn't hurt, either.

om.