a curious reunion, with tapioca.

last night, i saw my first boyfriend and his boy (and my friend), the man on the fellowship, for the first time in ages. it was lovely. though disorienting. i've known these boys since i was 14 and 16 respectively, and to see them in adult form is a little harrowing. first boyfriend's hairline is receding. the man with the fellowship's jaw grows more pronounced, his gait more assured. they are both handsome devils, to be sure (such a lovely couple!), but seeing them sometimes makes me extremely aware of the fact that we are all, as trite as it sounds, growing up. for some reason, this hit me harder last night than it did when i learned that miss m. shea would be hatching a podlet. (also very disconcerting). it's especially poignant when i stop to think about the different circumstances we've all amassed for ourselves. two of us know what we love, and just can't make the world agree with us. one of us is miserable and can't quite figure out how to fix it; one of us is prepping himself to change the world. one of us is in the peace corps; another is writing and editing pornography. such a long journey from the delinquent pack of choir kids we once were. we've developed drinking habits, drug appreciations, been paying taxes and rent and worrying about our health...and while it's an amazing testament that we've all earned our freedom, that we are living our lives as we see fit, there's a tiny part of me that mourns the lives we led when our gravest concerns were who was dating whom, would we get that role in this play, would our choir win ACDA again, what college were we going to. now it's "what if the test was wrong?" and "am i going to make it home without getting mugged?" "am i going to make rent this month?" alarming. and disheartening.

and at the same time, it's not as dire as all that.

first boyfriend and the man with the fellowship have been in love for several years. and that is heartening. m. shea is going to be a great mother, and her kid is probably going to be both smart as a whip and criminally beautiful. and that is heartening. we've known each other for coming on ten years (with firstboyfriend, anyway), and still care about what happens in one another's lives. and that's heartening.

i don't really know what i'm getting at here. other than to say that i love who we've become, i'm so proud of the carass. but sometimes i miss who we were. yes, i suppose that sums it up.

that, and i really, really wish i had an off switch for my brain sometimes.