same old subject

you may or may not be familiar with one of my most common gripes about the world of my office at the moment: the absolute obsession with weight loss shared by everyone here but me. it infuriates me. it makes me livid.

and today, i stopped to wonder why

and the answer is so blindingly obvious, it's mindblowing. i can't believe i haven't really thought about it before. (in the words of the navigators, it's so simple it's hard)

to start, i am infuriated by this obsession of theirs because my own obsession with it (past, fortunately) nearly killed me. you may recall that i spent four years agonizing over it, my entire college education. when i was finished, i was very thin, but completely crazy and completely miserable. i looked...well, not great, but certainly closer to textbook standards of beauty. but i looked terrible. wild-eyed and drawn.

and it's taken me since then to come to terms with myself, to make peace with this body. i'm no longer fighting it, and we're both much happier.

and then i realized that it's not so much that i'm angry with these women and their obsession, as i'm angry with the fact that they have nothing better to talk about, no hobbies, no friends (beyond their boyfriends and husbands) and somehow, they think that's okay.

THAT is what makes me angry. that just depresses the hell out of me. we all know how i feel about mundanity, and these women are, as far as i can tell walking willingly into its maw.

hmm. but, backing up, perhaps i'm being harsh. i am not one to pass judgment on the way people live, what they fill their existences with to make them happy. if that's what they want, if that's what makes them happy, whatever. fine.

all i know is that i feel more beautiful when i step off the stage, or when i say something that makes a room full of people laugh, than i ever feel when i'm just dressed nicely or wearing perfect makeup...when my beauty is perceived in those situations, i feel it's far more potent than any appreciative whistle i got when i was thin. and i wouldn't have those moments if i spent every waking second obsessing over my appearance. or perhaps i would, but i wouldn't revel in their sticky sweetness as i do now.