reanimation! reanimation!

last night...last night's show...was polar. very, very polar. on one hand, it felt great. my voice was strong for the first time in weeks, and i was having an absolute ball just warbling away. doing what i do best. what i love most. and, oh, how i'd missed it. it's a known fact that the only thing on this earth that will make me stop smoking for any period of time is the loss of my voice; when the voice is gone, we start taking care of ourselves, because quite frankly, i suspect the voice is worth more than the rest of me. and there's little that scares me more than the thought of damaging my voice permanently. (you: anti-smokers. i can hear you retorting from here. hush!)

and i rocked the socks off reclamation. quite possibly the best time i'd ever played it. ever.

and on the other hand...it was wrenching. it broke my heart. i made someone cry last night. as you know, many of the things i've written are...vitriolic. standing in as therapy, summarizing the things that have hurt me. but i think they touched a nerve. there was sweeping from the room and me suddenly forgetting the words to a song i can sing in my sleep.

it was upsetting.

while it is ostensibly the dream of most musicians to accomplish just that, to make someone feel a hard rush of emotion...i want my music to resonate, to connect with people. but i don't want it to be because i am pouring salt in a wound.

thus, the dilemma. i don't know if i should be proud of myself over that or not. you know?