lost and found

i'm still trying to figure out why i went into the city last night. i had no particular reason to. i didn't go with anyone. i'd had two engagements scheduled and canceled them both. the weather was foul, unbelievably foul. all things considered, i should have stayed home.

but, of course, i didn't.

i suppose i was seeking some sort of solitude, i'm not really sure. at least that would make some sort of sense to me: contrary to popular belief, there is no easier place to be by yourself than in the middle of a city during a rainstorm. i stood by the statue of george washington, smoking a cigarette. i was the only one standing on the flagstones; everyone else was huddled by the subway pavilion. i went to a sake bar for a lychee martini. i walked around a bit. and then i went home.

a strange choice of sojourn for the girl in love with her borough. and her friends.

i guess...i guess that sometimes you have to listen to what your subconscious tells you, and mine was, i suppose, telling me that the time had come to reconnect with myself in a new setting.

i've not been feeling like myself lately, or at least like the construct i understand myself to be. i wonder if this little adventure means i might be on the path to recovering, or am i on the road to something else entirely?

whichever it is, i hope i stop feeling like something you scrape off the bottom of your shoe.