moratorium

a little bit of explanation for this moratorium i've recently imposed on the whole dating business. i realized the other day that it's not so much that i've given up,that i'm over boys, or switching to the other team (but thanks for asking), but...something completely different. i realized that for the amount of boy bullshit i've been weathering for the last few...oh...years...is not acceptable when you consider what i've actually felt for these people. this is the shocking bit: what the fuck was i doing getting involved, emotionally or otherwise, with these people who in retrospect have been categorized as "oh, you'll do" kind of guys. really. it's not fair to either of us. i get invested in trying to win something i don't really want and then get bugged out when i lose a game i didn't really even want to play, that i just played because it was there. kind of like how you eat nasty cookies at a social tea. not because you want them, but because they're there. it's some sort of fucked up conquest thing.

now, what i've been trying to do is determine whether this is my problem or just my bad luck. or defense mechanisms, or whatever. the rationale: the last time i fell for someone, i fell hard. really hard. eight months to a year to get over it hard. and i'm wondering if: a) i'm just comparing everyone to the spectre, which is ridiculous, because now that i'm over it, i don't fully understand what i was so tizzed about...and i guess that just the people i'm meeting are lacking that certain chemical something that makes me crazy. this would be my bad luck

b) i've built up such incredibly good defenses that i'm just not letting anyone through. this would be my problem.

i don't really know. both seem plausible to me. what i do know is that it's been ages since i met someone who has set the pit of my stomach on fire (metaphorically speaking), kept me awake nights, who makes my toes tingle just by showing up. and i miss that. oh, how i miss that. i even miss its little sister, that whole pre-coital primal insanity, where you get an abbreviated version of what i described up there, just because you want to have your wicked way with someone.

i guess that what it comes down to is that i've met plenty of people who are fuck-worthy. just not many who are spoonworthy. and, frankly, fuckworthy is just not enough of a return on the idiocy i've been party to in my recent history. so, yeah. hiatus is official until i meet someone who really does it for me.

and, actually, no, i haven't even met anyone recently who's all that fuckworthy. there's not a single one of them i've wanted to bring home with me.

bloody hell. spring can feel free to spring in my heart at any time. really.