the ice queen cometh

one of my legs is three inches longer than the other today. just today. just now, since i've peeled off one of my massive spice-girl shoes because i had a leg cramp. as such, i've had a good deal of fun parading back and forth past the cubicles of my coworkers and confusing them royally. they cannot see my feet! they do not understand the truth!

ergh.

so, i had this date last night. and while fun, i somehow suspect i will not be seeing him again. he simply did not flip the proverbial bucket. and, though i do get a sick and sadistic thrill occasionally out of spending time with boys who like me more than i like them (yeah, so i'm a bitch. sorry.), i recognize that it is a bad behavioral pattern that must cease. as it is ceasing here.

i don't understand myself sometimes. i wish i did. i wish i could find the trigger snap that shuttered up my heart in an iron cage. i wish i could find a way to reverse its damage and bring myself back online (so to speak). i wish i could find some magical person who would spark the slightest amount of interest on my part. however much i may wish i were agent scully, i don't think i'm cut out to play the part of the ice queen.

oh, but that part about the mystery trigger snap? i take that back. i'm fairly certain i know exactly why i'm shuttered right now. emotional apathy comes to me courtesy of *that boy*, that boy who i liked so much who led me on and fucked with my heart and stroked my feet and hid with me under the blanket and broke my heart ever so gently by declaring himself too old for my immature charms. that whole scenario took a lot of energy. and a lot of time. and a lot of headache/heartache. ridiculous.

that boy is the only human being on the face of the planet to get more than one song out of me about him.

anyway. my suspicion is that when i finally came to terms with the whole fol-de-rol, my heart basically just decided to pack itself up for the winter and take a little trip while it put itself back together again.

i suspect that if i looked hard enough i would find that it sent me a postcard from england, or hong kong or wherever it is.

perhaps it is the travels of my heart in its quest for healing that leads me to only have even the vaguest interest in boys who are leaving town. it's really quite obscene, the number of boys i've flirted with/kissed/generally enjoyed who hail from some place distant from me: seattle, washington dc, new orleans, hong kong (oh, hong kong boy. you'd never believe it if anyone told you how much you cross my mind.)...i think this is the romance center's way of telling me that i would be an absolute asshole to get involved with anyone right now.

and i suppose that's true.

but that doesn't mean i wouldn't give all the tea in china and my desk drawer to just feel that flutter for someone, just for a few days.

i seem to remember this whole romance thing being so much more fun while i was in school. i'd develop a crush, and then if by some miracle it got reciprocated, i'd be over the moon! i'd have gotten what i wanted so badly...it was a triumph, it was a joy, it was the best thing since hostess cupcakes. and if it didn't work out (as was typically the case), i'd get to work up a serious, satifying, cleansing funk about it. now the game is too easy, and the players not nearly as intriguing, and the taste of victory vaguely reminiscent of prunes. and frankly, i just can't be bothered about it all.

at least until i meet another one i like.

or who's at least leaving town.