windowlicious.

is there anyone else out there who shares my pathological fear of looking people in the eye?

the wild animals know that sustained eye contact is a sign of aggression.

perhaps that's why it makes me so uncomfortable.

no, that's not it. i know why it makes me uncomfortable. it's because i am a believer in the adage and phrase that paints the eyes as the windows to the soul. and i suspect that my curtains are awfully sheer.

i'm afraid to look most people in the eye because i'm afraid they will find something there that i've gone to great lengths to pack away in the attic of my brain. i'm scared to let something slip, to lose this (admittedly probably pretty false) sense of control i like to have over myself and my world. because if someone knows something i don't want them to, they've got something over me.

i ponder this as i fret about the date i've got tonight. same boy, i've safely moved out of liz phair territory (i think)...but i had this fear last week, when we were having a right old snog and paused for a breather...nose to nose, passing a breath back and forth, looking into each other's eyes...and i think i kind of killed the moment because the eye contact just did my head in. i made some silly face, and to his credit, he responded in kind, but...i don't know. weird.

i mean, it could all be less deep-seated and weird and psychological than i'm considering here. it might just be that the last person i had a run in with where there was prolonged eye contact could only respond with "what? what? no, c'mon, what is it?"

that is the question to which there is no coherent answer. "i'm ...ah...checking for cataracts. searching your soul. having a romantic moment with you, you big lummox. stoppit. anything." i hate being in that position. maybe that's why i break first. hm.

anyway. bigger things to worry about. what to wear (particularly the ever-important question of shoes--pointy and sexy as hell, flat and fierce...tis a quandary), what to do when we inevitably run into the last great groaning crush of mine (we're going to see a band, by the way), what to do in general.

i like this boy but i'm not totally ready to have him look into my eyes for that long. we're not yet that close.

which means i need to do a little conversational prepwork.

arg!

eep!

bibble!

squeak!

how's that for you, biscuit?