in remembrance of things past.

sometimes i think that i create the circumstances that complicate my life simply by willing them into being. case in point: i received an email today from the english ex, announcing that he had finished writing his book and might be about to go into negotiations with granada television for his own science show and how am i?

this ties into my theory of creating my life through the power of my mind because only yesterday i'd started feeling okay about breaking it off in september, if for no other reason than that i am finally understanding the annoyance factor of so many little personality quirks that i found so charming (or at least tolerable) at the time. a few of which i'm going to list here, because it will do me good to remember these things lest i get charmed by his writerly british charm.

his tendency to stop mid-snog to let out long, terrifying, whispery farts.

his habit of fidgeting with this tiny green wheel while plying me with terrifying science questions (i went to sarah lawrence exclusively to avoid ever acknowledging science as more than the mysterious force behind the scenes) every morning while i was still trying to muster up enough consciousness to chew my cereal.

his constant nasal congestion and tendency to shout "nasal hell!" after blowing his nose.

his need to clean his glasses following every kiss.

his multicolored bikini briefs.

his afternoon "crashes," when his tea would wear off and he would be functionally catatonic for about an hour.

the fact that i could drink him under the table without even trying. now i can do that several times over.

and other things. don't get me wrong--he's wonderful, and i had a great time while it lasted. i really loved him, in as much as i'm capable of loving another human being in that way...but i'm glad it's over. and i now finally understand why my family hated him (though i didn't, and still don't, agree)

even if i have little else to show for myself since that time but a prodigious capacity for drink, a few one-night stands and a whole lot of late (but fun!) nights. and my friends. and my slow emergence into the nyc music scene (emphasis on slow).

so, okay. not doing to bad. and i stick by my guns that it was the right thing to do. yeah.

and if that doesn't all just make me sound like a heartless bitch, remember that sometimes in this diary come the bilious stewings of myown personal wrath and self-disappointment/loathing. i ain't no mary poppins in there, sweetie.

but i'm very pleased that he finished his book and am on my way to tell him so.

oh, and for the record, i seem to be doing swimmingly, despite all appearances to the contrary.