i don't want a lover.

i am running on caffeine and carbohydrates (coffee and bagel. breakfast of champions). i've got so much of both in my system i'm positively vibrating.

yep, definitely out too late last night for a schoolnight. ah well. 'twas most worth it.

and this is kind of good--my tiredness and jitteriness is definitely helping me to maintain and support the excuse i gave yesterday whilst chucking my sickie (so to speak)

and i get another late night tonight--recording out in bushwick. but at least tonight i'll have the sense to wear my boots instead of heels. let me tell you--last night, i was trotting about in my apex-o-fabulousness skyscraper heels...which, despite their good looks and relative comfort, are not conducive to the amount of walking i did yesterday. those boots are not made for walking a mile at a time. and i've got the amazing blisters to prove it. fortunately for me, i was (as always) out with a lovely pair of my boys, who put up with my mincing and gimping with laudable aplomb. i love my boys. i have such good boys. it kind of makes you wonder how it is i end up dating such complete fuckwits when i obviously know how to recognize the good ones. perhaps its born of some deep-seated desire to be agonized? pink (that philosopher for the ages) was recently quoted as saying "you can't be creative when you're happy"...maybe i'm subconsciously trying to prolong this supposed creative streak i'm not actually having? i must remain unhappy for the sake of my art? in all brutal honesty, my artistic streak has not been overwhelmingly productive of late. frankly i think it means i'm ready to be happy, and then creativity will follow.

then, of course, the question remains: what is it going to take to make me happy? what is it that i'm ready for that is missing?

i am ready to start performing gigs.

i am ready for a vacation.

i am ready to finish all of my damn half-finished songs.

i am ready...i'm ready to be a girlfriend again. which is kind of a silly thing to say, not entirely worthy of a fierce and independent creature such as myself, but i know it to be true. how revelatory. i'm rapidly getting over this particular spate of serial dating. it's bad for my self-esteem. i am now craving proper intimacy. trust. stuff like that. i've asserted my independence. i know what fabulous feats i'm capable of when left alone. and i'm stable enough in myself to not want to be alone right now. not to need that kind of thing, but to want it.

so the question is this: will shivery find her prince? will she make beautiful music? is the summer going to be hot and sticky or just humid and irritating? these are questions which has stymied greater minds than the one writing this missive.

stay tuned for the answers to these and other questions.

ciao!

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