still approaching

this is going to be one of those slow days. i can feel it in my blood and my bones. but, unlike most slow days...i'm not terribly perturbed. not totally sure why that is. perhaps it's because its overcast outside, and so being inside gives me a strange feeling of security. as though this building is acting as a psychological blanket, inasmuch as a place i detest could ever do. perhaps it's because i feel like i might do something creative today. i might write my great opus. or i might just get glared at by the postman, asi just was. am i on the raft of wrath for the entire USPS? criminy.

i spent a healthy chunk of the morning looking for jobs. i think i found six to apply to. christ in a sidecar. i genuinely fear that i'm not going to find anything. granted, i've not been looking that long, not nearly so long as my last job search was...but i don't know. i'm just so...disillusioned. unhappy. i just want this to end. i want to have something new to look forward to. who knows, that may never be the job. despite my best efforts, i may be stuck here another year or more. and while it will kill my soul, i could handle this. never let it be said that i'm not a bloody survivor. ignoring the fact that i'd probably be earning the same amount of money if they sacked me and i went on the dole. that's right. i will just have to grit my teeth and get even more numb until my mind and my world blur into one great, timesucking reality, ticking off the days until i'm geriatric, crazy and just don't care anymore.

or, just stop giving a rat's ass entirely, and make my world revolve around those things that actually interest me. case in point: i'm in the process of looking for a band. i'm actually talking to some guys about joining theirs...and i found out about them because of a flyer they had lurking on the lower east side. so, it's just random enough to work out. just like going on a date with subway boy. i hope this band thing does actually works out, because then i will have lived a bunch of new york cliches in a scant handful of weeks. fabulous.

fucking work. fucking new york city. i hate one, adore the other and have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do about either.

next entry: secret passages. hold me to it.