you may have it!

i am both restless and edgy. this is never a good thing in combination.

* * *

flash forward several hours...just returned from a light night at the local with a much larger horde than i had initially anticipated. good fun, good fun. wang was throwing his mack hither and thither, and it was a sight to behold. brilliant. i finally saw biscuit, after trying to catch up with him for several days...i got to wear the jacket of infamy, which is managing to instill me with such measures of badass as can only be recorded via some sort of seismic doohickey.

in some ways it felt a little strange, if for no other reason than that this one has finally left us. he finally got decisive and is thus now setting the wheels in motion to wing his way to estonia. and i won't pretend that i'm not jealous as hell.

god, i can't wait until all the pieces in my puzzling path fall into place, and i can make that sort of a plunge myself. as days go by, i start wondering about the mundanities of my escape plan, wondering how in the hell i'm ever going to carry it off. how am i ever going to have enough money to get there? what am i going to do with my stuff? where am i going to stay? where am i going to work? what am i going to do? i suppose it's a sick testament to my determination that entertaining such questions only serves to strengthen my resolve. it's just another word problem, and i was bloody great at word problems in my day. i can absolutely do it again. i will.

i have to.

the funny thing is, that my life is much like my hair. just when i finally get to the point where i'm going to throw in the towel and make a major change...it starts to behave. it starts to look pretty good. and i have to rethink my whole line of reasoning. and so, right now, my life is sliding down that slippery slope, bearing ever more resemblance to my hair. which is, appropriately, choosing to behave very well right now.

now if only my love life would fall into place...but then, when it comes to that, i'm such a terrible optimist. no matter how outwardly discouraged i become, no matter how badly i get burned or scathed or otherwise, i still believe deep down in my heart that maybe, just maybe tonight will be the night that something wonderful happens, that someone will see past the trappings and the beautiful girls that surround me and discover the wonderment that i can be.

and i know it will never happen until i've given up all hope. and, frankly, i'm just not wired for that.

and i somehow wish i were. how cracked is that, eh? sometimes i wish i were programmed for failure and fatalism. hm.

optimism or not, though, i think my heart is ready to be treated nicely. call me crazy.