mercury rising

in retrospect, it probably wasn't the best idea i'd ever had, dropping in on the show at the mercury last night. but, my niggling little conscience voice was acting up and telling me that damage control was necessary, that it would be a very good thing for me to go and demonstrate to ye olde bass player that all was well in my corner, and that i hoped that the same held true for him.

i'm still trying to figure out his answer, since he would barely speak to me the whole night.

not that i blame him.

ah well. as i've said before, the price we must pay for honesty. they're playing again friday, i think i might miss that one. but maybe not. the boys have recently procured themselves a keyboard player, and it's a very nice touch. may warrant a few extra listenings. we shall see.

most interesting occurrance, though? one of the most infamous of ghosts came crawling out of the woodwork. the infamous boy, the one who ate last autumn and winter for me, made his first cameo in my life since i broke off contact in january or so. it was strange. a very curious amalgam of feelings on the whole situation. in one corner, there was a little residual annoyance. mostly with myself, wondering how it was that i gave so much energy to this particular piece of work...there was careful neutrality (don't want to betray too much in the opening act, you know)...there was guilt-ridden joy over seeing him, because in an entirely sick way, i'd really missed him a lot. but then, i suppose you don't easily shut out the last one who sent you tumbling like a ton of bricks. he was a train wreck that utterly twisted my world at the time. certain parts are, i think, doomed to continue smoldering for some time. at least until someone else comes along that does the same kind of damage to my world.

arse. ah well. i've already wreaked enough havoc in that arena of my life, and his, and the associated hangers on. i think it will behoove me to keep my distance. i've made my show of good faith. i can attend or not attend, as i see fit, because my conscience has been assuaged.

as you can see, there's still some lingering vestiges of fucked-upness from me with regards to the whole situation.

ack.

i get the distinct feeling that, one way or another, this one is going to be my waterloo, no matter how hard i send the rational thought tickers into overdrive, and no matter what appears in between.

anyway. mustn't dwell too much. other fish to fry today. job interview in two hours. hot date this evening. show this week. must practice.

moving

right

along.