mother's little helper

today's mantra: something's got to give.

the question is what? i am clinging to the shred of hope afforded me by this mantra, i have to believe it or else i feel my head might bob underwater and i may never recover. because things right now are perilously close to snapping point. or, at least they were yesterday. the timbers in the foundation seem to be creaking a little, i can hear them straining beneath the weight of my overwhelming desire for something different. the stalemate has been broken with someone else's roommate. the stalemate has been broken with the job hunt (i have been invited to set up an interview on monday). so now, i just have to figure out: whose move is it now, and what will it be?

anything but what the configuration is now.

wang's clinical opinion is that i'm nursing a low grade depression. i'm wondering if he's right. according to my research, the symptoms are all there: constant exhaustion with a total inability to sleep, changes in diet and eating habits, constant boredom, inability to concentrate on anything at all...i sometimes feel like i'm watching my life happen but am completely unable to do anything about it.

i don't know. i don't feel depressed. i'm not sad. but then, that's not what depression is about, is it?

but that is neither here nor there. as i said, i suspect that things will improve when something changes. the way i see it, there are three arenas in my life that could use a change for the better: music (having it take off), work (getting the fuck out of this soul-killer i'm rocking now), romance (needs no explanation). those, as far as i see it, are the three pillars supporting this anti-mood. one needs to change. one has to change.

that's all i need.

and then everything will be okay.