melodrama. bleakness. ignore.

it's the fear that angers me so, the fear triggered by something so intangible as THE SMELL. it makes me feel like i've made no progress whatsoever in the last year.

and i was so together on the anniversary.

and now, one single, unrelated event later, and i'm weak at the knees (and not in a good way) and mewling like a kitten (and not in a good way). and dammit, this weakness is not a luxury i can afford just yet. and i hate that. i hate not being able to hold my shit together. because i've always prided myself as being tough as nails when it really comes down. i've defined myself by being strong when other people need it. and once they're strong, then i can fall apart. because they're standing again, so they can catch me. so what do i do when several of us are falling down at the same time, as we're starting to do now?

i suppose i do what i always do. i am going to rake it in, suck it up, tamp it down and go into battle. so i've got some wounds of my own. i've also got some righteous anger--at myself, at the world, at circumstance and smell--to poultice them. and hopefully i'll keep infection at bay until those around me can tend to them. until then, i'll be around if they need me. ready to give whatever i've got till it bleeds. and it may not be much, but it will be everything i have.

i just hope they'll all be ready to return the favor when they are all sound.