parents

i'm fecking exhausted. which means i was not in a good frame of mind to speak with my mother when she called earlier. for some reason, it makes me insane that someone as smart as my mother, someone to tech-savvy (she's a computer programmer, for god's sake) doesn't seem capable of understanding her cell phone. frustrating. sometimes, it takes so little to set me off. particularly when i've had three hours of sleep. but she's in town. she's bringing friends to the city with her, which means that we're not going to argue. which means she's going to drive me insane and i'm going to take it out on this here diary.

anyway. parents. yeah. i spoke to both of mine today, within about fifteen minutes of one another. that's always distressing when that happens...because they never speak to each other. i guess they just hit the point where they're utterly convinced that i'm about to lose my mind at the same time. maybe it's a blood relative thing.

but i digress.

the thing that really gets me when i'm put in a position where i really get to juxtapose my parents is that the dichotomy between the two gets more and more pronounced every day...and i pray to every deity i've ever held dear or even respected with increasing fervor each day that if i have to take after either of my parents, i take after my father. with each passing year, my father becomes more educated, more cultured, more interesting and pleasant to be with. with each passing year, my mother turns more and more into my feeble German grandmother, her mother (whom i love dearly, so don't peg me the total bitch just yet, thanks). my mother has no memory of which to speak at the age of fifty seven, and technology is an utter mystery to her. she's ceased to read for pleasure, she cannot recall if she's seen things like star wars (!), she's not social...i don't honestly know what she does with her time. besides work.

anyway. though i love my mother, i respect my mother, i think she's wonderful...if i ever start turning into her...please. PLEASE just fucking shoot me. and i'm going to hold you to that, because i'm sure it's going to happen. it's already starting to happen to my sister. but then, my mother and my sister have always been closer than my mother and i. they're more alike...and for the level of bitch what i'm about to write is going to elevate me to, i have to say that i hope that that means i take after my father.

god. five years ago you would have had to stick hot pokers in my ear canal to get me to make a statement like that. now i can say it freely: all i want out of life is to be more like my dad. educated, well-traveled, english and sane. more or less.

i am such a bad daughter.