confidence

i think i've finally been divested of what shreds of equilibrium i had left. i am now righteously, horribly off-balance.

isn't it funny how it just takes one last straw to knock down the whole house of cards.

six months ago, yesterday's little debacle wouldn't have bothered me much. i had a slightly thicker layer of armor then. but, i've had to deflect enough arrows and shots and firebombs to my emotional well-being in the time since that the nicks and scratches in the plating are more rule than exception. i am vulnerable, and thus wide open to receive the death blow.

at least i know this is not about the boy. the boy was just the breath that blew my house down. hell with the boy. hell with boys in general. they've caused me more damage than their power should have allowed them. i give up on them.

whatever. no, this was about everything i am and how it fits into the world i created.

and right now, i guess it kind of doesn't. fit.

months of hard battle and i've finally fallen on the field. take me to sick bay and give me back my confidence.

because i don't know what i am without it.