insert flippant and/or creative title here.

i am tired.

i am tired because i got home at 2:30 last night, and was called this morning at 9:00 sharp by this crazy girl i work with who is playing two of my friends against the middle in a really fucked up way that really upsets me. and somehow trying to pull me in to the whole situation, offer my approval or condolences or something. but i know when to leave well enough alone. being pulled in on something like this is such a strange and demeaning trick to pull. on one hand its a declaration of "oh, poor me, i have two great guys after me, whatever shall i do? this is so hard." speaking as someone who has given up on ever dating again ever, you'll have to forgive me if i stand over here and don't give a shit. and on the other hand, it's asking me to pick sides. which i won't. i won't pick her side, because she's fucking with my boys, i can't take their side because i have to work with this girl, and it will SUCK if things get fucked up. honestly, though, i'm not being honest. i won't choose sides but really i have. though nobody's ever going to know about it in an official capacity. i side with the boy who i shared a cab back to the hood with last night, because i know how great he is and how much i've wanted in the past to destroy anyone who tries to pull this bullshit on him. because he deserves better.

well, both of us do.

but there's not really much i can do about that right now.

anyway. in the interest of keeping the peace, i don't get to make an official statement.

but.

sometimes i worry. about myself, about the people around me, about what we do and what is done to us. i wonder if things are going to change, or if we are fated to be locked in these spirals forever. if we are condemned to perpetually search and do idiotic things in the meantime. and to let it get to us. are that boy and i destined to fall victim to this kind of stupid, obvious, painful thing forever? how much more entertainment value has our chagrin and pain got for the universe? AREN'T WE ALL OVER THIS YET? DON'T THE RERUNS GET OLD?! we're not that entertaining. really. let us off the hook for a while.

in other irritation.

my father still hasn't called. it's been more than two weeks since we've spoken. it's been twenty-four hours since the funeral. it's been three days since the death. the infamous disappearing act strikes again.

and people WONDER why i'm so completely off my rocker about wanting to be loved, why i'm so fucking SCARED of being lonely. why i go off on these stupid, pathos-laden tirades about dating and my pathetic need to be loved and my even more pathetic conviction that i never will be. wouldn't you, if you spent most of your life wondering if the one man who's supposed to love you unconditionally forever actually gave a damn? wondering why he thinks it's okay to disappear for weeks at a time, even when there's a DEATH IN THE FAMILY? i know my mother's family is not really his family anymore. but it's still my family. and i'm still his family. i sort of feel like he should at least offer his condolences. or at least return one of the twenty fucking emails i've sent in the last few weeks. because i can't call him if i don't know where he is. yeah, i'd say those form the foundation of my abandonment issues, wouldn't you?

oh good. now i'm crying, too. about time, i suppose. time to mourn.

i'll be chipper again soon, my ninjas. promise.