at the end of the day

i said a while ago that there's a huge difference between being by yourself and being alone. i've been thinking about that today. it's kind of been punched in my face, actually.

i realize that through both several fortuitous accidents of fate and one conscious decision, i am neither.

and i am fortunate. i am so fucking lucky for both.

i am only at the office today because i couldn't bear the thought of being by myself today, puttering in my apartment and thinking too much about my mother and my family and how they are, what's going down in the state of california...so i chose to surround myself with people. it gave me purpose, it gave me something to focus on. i had two small tasks and they were all i was able to do. which is fine. the rest of the time, i stared into space, futzed about with the programmer and my laptop, as we tried to figure out how to purge all the music files off my machine and onto "the system" so i could burn them. i had small, idle conversations with everyone here. it was just right. so there's the "not being by myself" part.

here's the "not being alone" part: just a little shout out of thanks to everyone who's been offering their support right now. really and truly. thank you. it's meant a lot.

yeah.

anyway. having this realization is why i've called my mother twice today already. because i don't know where she stands on the altar of "alone." she taught me everything i know about emotional denial, and i was an apt pupil. i'm quite up on it. but nowhere near the level of what she's got going on. she'll never admit to anything, to needing anybody, to needing us. so i'm just insinuating myself. just so she knows that she's not. alone. because, while no one should ever have to be alone, that goes double at times like these. because no matter how much the lady doth protest, she's not invincible. and neither am i. but at least i know, the way i know my hand is on the end of my arm, i know that i do not have to walk the road solo, either by myself or alone. the best i can do is share the love. literally.

random quote of the day: the status quo has taken you hostage with no list of demands.

thank you, navigators.