mad dogs and englishmen

so, i'd never classify myself as a gym bunny. ever. frankly, i don't really like the whole gym business very much (though i do love my kickboxing)...but after spending a week in the south (not the southwest), where there the freeway is king so nobody walks, where the fifth major food group is fried, where i drank an amount that impressed even the team from chicago (they like their beer there, in our windy city office), i cam back to new york feeling, well, absolutely foul. so, i was uncharacteristically thrilled to be going and getting my sweat on. and that i did. and it was good.

anyway.

i'm in a strangely good mood today. not "strangely good" as in it's strange that i'm in a good mood, but "strangely good" as in i'm in a good mood in a strange way. i don't know how else to explain it. hence the strangeness. yeah. i suspect it's a manifestation of seasonal affective disorder--it's gorgeous outside, and it's tough to get me down when that happens. or maybe just things are generally okay.

i actually had an epiphany this morning. i was hyperanalyzing my dating track record, wondering why i fuck up everything with the ones i'm after and yet manage to snare the married ones, the ones i'm not trying to. and this is going to seem about as obvious as it can get, but it's because when i'm hanging out with the married guys, i'm just being myself. they're off limits, so i can be as ridiculous as i want to be. i don't give a fuck. but with the boys i'm pursuing, some weird catch goes up in my head and i unconsciously edit myself, try to present only certain pieces of the puzzle. i tone myself down so as not to frighten them away.

and today i realized that maybe, just maybe, i should be working harder to scare them. because, frankly, i think that a shivery on eleven is a hell of a lot more fun than a shivery in edit mode.

yeah. this is going to take some serious revising. ah well. who cares. it's friday. it's beautiful. i'm leaving work early to go drinking with the coworkers. i have a party to go to tonight. and a party tomorrow. another issue of the monthly newsletter is away and out of my hands. life is sweet. who cares about coherence on a day like this?