yeeeeeeeehah! greetings from the lone star state

you know, for years and years and years, i've heard tell that professional convention/conferences are just big piles of madness waiting to ignite. and i thought that i understood what people meant when they told me that.

um...no.

as i sit here in the "business center" of the sheraton brook hollow (i use the term loosely, as the computer here is so ancient that it can't quite handle word processing. not really of much use for a businessperson. or me, who crashed it three times yesterday by typing), nursing weak coffee and hung over for hte third consecutive day, i am taking stock of the situation. and i repeat:

um...no.

the level of debauchery i'm seeing here is nothing short of stunning. strangely, i'm kind of enjoying it. i now have tangible proof that, while i continue to hold the crown for Most Unique Player in my company, i've got some stiff competition. it's pretty grand. some highlights:

1. halloween night, i get dragged out by some of our operatives from the office in dallas (ironically, by this guy whose first contact with me was calling me up and basically telling me i was an idiot. we've since tendered our apologies) to this weird little bar in a mall. let me repeat that. a BAR in a MALL. in a STRIP MALL. ugh. anyway, while there, i got chatted up by this italian guy (italian from italy, not italian from the bronx) who was trying really hard to convince me that he was a doctor, despite the fact that he looked about twelve...i suppose he took the end of doogie howser, MD a little harder than we would have anticipated. ah well. and i realized...that's not really a highlight, though he really was rocking the mid-adolescent groove.

2. the aformentioned operative from the dallas office has been witnessed several times vigorously snogging one of the ladies from calgary. which wouldn't be noteworthy except that he got MARRIED LAST WEEK. i love scandal.

3. last night, i got to be mister (miss) entertainment. for the grand fiesta, i somehow got to be in charge of planning the games, getting the face painting going, and, yes, singing. don't know how they actually talked me into it, but yes. the upside of all that, though, is that executive-who-terrifies-me is also a guitar player, whom we've been trying to get to perform for us since...well, the beginning of time, apparently. and after i prostrated myself upon the altar of total public humiliation, he decided to follow suit. it was kind of...neat. and then there was the sing along. yeah. for all my complaints about my company, you've not lived until you've seen a passel of my coworkers drunk, covered in face paint and trying to remember the words to hey jude. anyway. the moral of the story is that for someone who'd not yet started drinking when all this mayhem was going on, i got very well acquainted with my inner smarmy game show host.

3a. i heard a great story from one of the guys in the houston office about the time he got arrested...apparently, it involved two oiled midgets and a spatula. he had pictures.

4. i got to make a comment to the assembled congregation about fondling my meat. during my presentation. (my meat being a large squeaky pork chop that we were using as a prop).

5....there is no 5 right now. my brain is unfocused, i have to report for what is going to be the world's most boring eight hours of seminar ever (our new division is going to sit us down in a room and try to explain what it is they do. none of us are happy about this prospect. i mean, we're already seeing powerpoint slides in our sleep) in about fifteen minutes, and before that happens i really need to find more coffee. and lots of it.

so, peaches, greetings from the great american southwest, this is your loyal correspondent reporting from the north loop. we'll check in with you again as soon as we can. signing off.