shivery: girl detective.

so, i've done a bit of research. i've found out all i need to know about elevator guy in order to file a complaint, or file something.

i just need to figure out what to do next. i think i'm going to file a report with building management. i want something on file in case that happens again, either to me or somebody else. i don't want to screw with this person's life, though. there will be no police report, no report to his company, nothing like that.

i just kind of want to make my mark and then pretend it never happened.

the thing that's getting to me about all this is that i'm finding myself devolving ito every statistic, every stereotype that i've so abhorred. i don't want to make a big deal out of this. i don't want to file charges or anything. frankly, i don't even want people to know about it. and you know why? you know why?

because i roll back over it and i can't stop wondering how much of it is my fault.

my fault.

and i know, in my true deep heart of hearts that none of it is my fault. it is never your fault when someone at your place of employment sticks his tongue down your throat. at my OFFICE. in the ELEVATOR. it would have been different if it had happened outside the office. in a bar, or something...that would have been just a random--annoying--aberration. but now...now a safe zone has been violated.

but for some reason, i feel like the guilty party. like i led him on, like i was sending out some sort of signal in the course of being friendly that made it seem that i wanted it to happen.

i am falling into the pattern of every woman who's gone silent after being assaulted in any way, no matter how minor. consumed by guilt, feeling somewhere between violated and unclean but not certain i'm allowed to feel that way.

isn't that funny.

analyzing what i'm allowed to feel.

i'm allowed to feel however the fuck i want.

but even now, i'm berating myself mentally because i don't know if i'm overreacting.

am i overreacting?

or am i justified in being righteously freaked out?

i can't imagine what i'd be feeling if it had been a worse situation. this shit is already interrupting my sleep.