i'm mad as hell, and i'm not going to take it anymore!

i have been made to think of late, rock some serious re-evaluation. this, as we all know, is not generally a good thing. plumbing the depths of my secret desires and confusions frequently ends in agony.

today's topic: what the hell am i doing here?

now, this is a topic that's not going to win much credence until spring rolls back 'round, because it's entirely possible that i'm just suffering badly from a serious case of the winter doldrums.

all i'm saying is that i've woken up pissed off for more mornings than not stretching back ages. and i tend to remain upset. in fact, i might go so far as to say that i have been slowly becoming a seething ball of rage.

this is fact. and, i'm sorry, but livid is not an acceptable default state.

the question boils out of my inability to pinpoint just what it is that's keeping me at froth point. is it the apartment? the job? the fact that i'm constantly broke? the fact that people seem to think it's okay that they stop calling once they get a significant other? the fact that it's cold, that people knock me down in the subway and then look at me like it's my fault? that i will soon lose my right to smoke anywhere but inside my apartment? the fact that the gas bill is constantly int he triple digits?

i don't rightly know.

what i do know is that this can't be good for my blood pressure. or my relationships. or my emotional well-being. i don't like channeling ben stiller circa mystery men all the time.

but, the question is, what exactly can i do about it when i don't know what's wrong?

i mean, it is just the symptom of the city?

am i going to feel like this until i'm gone?

because i've been thinking about it. stupid, right? all these amazing things have been happening to me here. tomorrow, i step towards immortality in the DC comics universe. i am a functioning musician. i have good friends (even if they're a little oblivious sometimes). all in all, not a bad scene. so why am i constantly furious? why do i want to be anywhere but here?

where do i go?

vacation, for a start, i'm sure.

who knows. maybe i'm just burned out.

but maybe i should stop ignoring the siren song of the open road, too. maybe it's come to that.

who knows.

i don't.

as i said, no decisions until i can walk out of the office at the end of the day and still see the sun.

right.

the thing is, i don't know if i can live anywhere but here right now. i don't know if i'm ready to give this up.

hm. you think prozac might be the answer to all this?