bah.

i have a vacation coming up in three weeks. i need it so badly. i'm realizing right now that i've been making the most amazing slide down the slippery slope into total neurotic psychopath.

this is not who i am.

i am not generally prone to panic attacks, to crushing anxiety, to complete paranoia, to being careless, to constant depression and apathy, to pervasive fear...

and lately that's all i've been feeling. as though there's a large and angry buddha sitting on top of the piano i'm balancing on my shoulders and fragile teacups being juggled by my supremely inexpert hands.

my hands are shaking, i'm so stressed out right now. given what i'm stressing over, this is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. for anyone.

i need to relax. the tighter i get wound up, the more easily i do. it's a vicious circle. and i know that compared to some, my problems are small. truly.

but that doesn't change the fact that i am tired of being a goddamn trainwreck all the time.

and god knows my cuticles don't appreciate it one bit!