a rant and a letter

so, i've got issues with confrontation, as most anyone i know will tell you. as such, i have a tendency to simply allow myself to seethe quietly and avoid a situation a little too frequently. mainly because i'm just not as good at taking it as i am dishing it out. which is why...which is why there is one particular situation in my life (which, lamentably, cannot be articulated, because i don't know anymore who exactly reads this little repository of my innermost workings) that is, well, essentially taking a big chunk out of the pleasuredome. now, i don't want to sound melodramatic. this is not ruination of the apocalyptic sort of which i speak. no, no, no. this is far subtler and far more insidious. essentially, a very large part of my life is being made absolutely unbearable.

and no, it's not the usual sort of angst.

i don't know whose fault it is. and i don't want to bring it up because, frankly, i'm certain i'm going to get yelled at by the offended party and i don't really think that's quite what i need right now.

basically, i have tried to let water pass under the bridge. i have tried to be friendly, i have tried to be accommodating. and i am being both rejected and rebuffed at all turns. i have tried to start again.

god, i want to be explicit here. i want to spell out exactly what i'm going through, exactly what i'm feeling, exactly what i'm talking about. but if i take that step, word may get out to certain whispering ears and thus my life will, in fact, be made a living hell. there will be no escape, i will be told six ways from sunday exactly why it is that i am the lowest form of scum, why i am causing the ruination of someone else's life, why everything i do is clearly a direct attack. why it is my fault. that is the feeling i get now, that this is the opinion of the counterpart.

and, as we all know, that sort of business will not do me well now. i know i'm not perfect. i am not the nicest, the neatest, the sweetest, the kindest, the best person in the world. far from. i can be egotistical, self-centered, rude, cruel, all of these things. i'm messy. i leave my clothes on the floor and my dishes in the sink. my desk is filthy. the fact is, though, i try very hard not to be like that. very hard. i am learning every day. i rarely make a concerted effort to hurt people or make them angry. if i upset you, ten will get you a dozen that i not only didn't mean to, but i had no idea that i did. i work very hard not to fuck up other people's lives. contrary to popular belief, it would seem.

but, that is not clear to some.hm. i simply hope that the one in question has grown bored with my ramblings and no longer reads this tome. ever. because, frankly, i don't feel it's fair to use anything i write here against me, and i suspect that it will or would.

this is the hardest area to have wounded. because where do you go to recuperate when the place you are supposed to be safe in your vulnerability has become a battleground?

the moral of the story:

it's not all about you, sweetie. at least, it wasn't until now.

i am not out to get you, fuck up your life, or make you miserable in any way. i want you ro be happy. and if that involves ignoring me and treating me like i am sub-human, then so be it. it is not, however, my fault if you're unhappy with where you are right now. i am doing the best i know how. and i'm sorry if it's not good enough, but it's the best i can do.

so go on and keep giving me the silent treatment.

just hold up your end of the bargain.

and while you're at it, grow the fuck up.

i think this may be gone by morning.