some ghosts don't know when to say die.

sometimes i think that i have a massive screw loose up in my ilttle brain pan. this past week, i've gotten several small emails from the ex, one to wish me a happy birthday and one to say that with this idiotic war happening, his thoughts are with me.

harmless enough, right?

so why are they leaving me so very incensed? (aside, of course, from the fact that with each missive, i can hear his voice speaking them, and picture the look on his face and a thousand and one other things that made me excise him from my daily routine, things that have almost made me hate him for reasons i can't explain...almost) it's such a strange thing to be feeling, because i want to be friends with him, at least in theory. that's the kind of person i want to be. i don't want to burn my bridges. not on paper, anyway. i'm finding more and more that in practice, i'm not that kind of girl. i seem to be far more an advocate of the clean break. i want to put this, put him, behind me. and at the same time, it's not what i want at all. but that doesn't change the fact that finding his email address in my inbox leaves me feeling flustered and cranky. and i don't know why. and i don't know whether i'm going to get around to answering him, or when, because i don't know if i ever actually want to hear from him again.

and that, mein lieblings, is very upsetting. it's never nice to be confronted with a graphic illustration of the fact that you're a big, fat hypocrite. which i most certainly appear to be in this episode.