inevitability.

you build up scenarios in your head, how it's going to be and how you're going to approach it when it happens. i'd been dreading distressed notions of it happening when i was at my lowest, feeling weak and looking terrible; i'd been entertaining ideas where i was caught at my best, strong and together (and perfectly groomed). as it happened, i was neither, but somewhere in between. i was myself, in pure form.

it went better than i'd expected; going down in such a way that i was actually glad that it happened. i was safe, in familiar territory, relaxed, and--most importantly--ready. my head and my heart are back in a really good place, and that colors every facet of my life.

we chatted amiably, giving ourselves a few minutes to catch up by the bandshell. it was good to see him, better than i'd anticipated; less awkward, certainly. i half wanted to thank him, because everything that i experienced in relation to him had brought me one step closer to dom, one step closer to figuring some things out about myself, one step closer to where i needed to be, painful as it sometimes was along the way.

but i didn't. it's not exactly appropriate barbecue conversation. and we'd been doing so well at sidestepping awkwardness that i didn't want to sour it.

after eight months of wondering, r. and i finally met on the grounds of prospect park, and after eight months it seems we're both happy with where we ended up.