septembre 24, 2004
anxiously.
i have problems with anxiety.
this is common knowledge, despite the fact that i've managed to keep it under excessively good control these last few months. what's less common knowledge is that it has chosen this week to make a special returning visit. with a vengeance. you see, it's been a Very Bad Week at Work. the kind of week where every stupid mistake you've made in past weeks (forgetting to switch up a graphic, failing to forward a non-time-sensitive email) comes back to haunt you, where every time anybody important needs to speak to you is during the fifteen seconds you've chosen to switch songs on your ipod or look to see why your phone has started chirping uncontrollably and how can you shut it up or your computer freezes while you're searching for stock photos (through a reputable site)and the results you've gotten are a mime, a woman in a garter belt and a japanese bride. this results in you getting chewed out a lot, and wondering if they're actually secretly planning to fire you because you clearly CAN'T BE TRUSTED and you ACTUALLY ARE USELESS.
i have no idea if that's the case or not; i have no idea if i really shot myself in the foot this last week. but it's really bothering me a lot, and i can't shake it. i'm trying to bolster myself with the knowledge that i'm a good employee, i do good work quickly, that i'm resourceful and have a lot of specialized skills that we need around here. but, i'm also chronically late by anywhere between five and fifteen minutes (though rarely arrive AFTER the brass), a second-tier domain name expired while under my watch (emphasis on the second tier--it's generated us precisely Zero hits in the last year AND i got it back), and yes: i occasionally forget to do things like switch graphics and forward non-urgent emails when we're in the middle of huge, out of control projects that keep the IT guy up all night for three nights and me furiously churning out copy and graphics all day and through lunch and into a tenth hour at the office.
so anyway. for the first time in several months, The Fear is upon me, and i don't like it. because it's on in a big way. a BIG way. and my question is: am i just being paranoid because i'm actually a good employee and this is all going to blow over, or should i start moving my summer plans up a few months?
Posted by shivery at septembre 24, 2004 02:12 PMI would bet you a bajillion dollars that if anyone asked your boss about any of these things. he'd be like, "Huh? What? Email forwards? What are you talking about?"
Posted by: Biscuit at septembre 25, 2004 11:13 PMyou're hard on yourself. i mean, in general - you have high standards for yourself. i'll bet you're harder on yourself than your boss is on you. and yet, you still know that you're a good employee. it would be impossible for him not to think the same.
Posted by: kate at septembre 26, 2004 12:30 AMI'm with these two.
You're more aware of it because you CARE. You're hard on yourself because you take pride in your work.
Posted by: Stuart at septembre 27, 2004 08:45 AMI can't speak to who you are and how likely it is you're going to get fired, I don't know you, your boss or your workplace culture. But I can say that the fear is a common one.
I've worked for the same company since 1988. I've been been the victim of armed robbery 5 times at work and didn't quit. I survived the purge that happened after $30, 000 of stock got stolen and the owners were convinced it was an inside job. I also survived when personal differences between the owners divided the company into opposing camps. And yet everyday I assume I'm going to be fired. I assume this despite now being a manager and having fired people myself.
Most bosses only want the work to be done properly. Firing is a last resort. It takes a lot less effort and money to correct a current employee than it does to hire and train a new one. So long as the boss is convinced that the mistake is understood, regretted and unlikely to happen again there's no way they'll fire you.
I wish I had something other than an intellectual arguement to give you. Those don't help much against emotional concerns, believe me I know.
Your deep concern over your mistakes says to me you'll be fine, just hang in there.
Posted by: Coelecanth at septembre 27, 2004 01:17 PMYou're fired.
OK, that's kind of funny that my wondertwin sister was suffering from anxiety because I was too this morning. I'm the sole IT person this week and I had this feeling like something bad was going to happen (stemming mostly from the 15min last night I could not get through to our terminal server because of a phantom internet boogieman).
So far today I've been on top of stuff and am making progress in other areas and nothing has blown up. I'm learning to continue giving a shit but not taking it so personal and not letting it get to me as much.
That being said, my walk to work was full of dread. It's hard to be full of dread through Central Park at 7:30 in the morning when the only other noise is the light traffic, the dogs and the ducks, but I was scared something bad was happening and it was all my fault.
Posted by: roos at septembre 27, 2004 02:15 PM