vox populi.

this is the third time i've attempted to write this entry. let's see if i can make it stick.

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about my voice, both in the literal (i.e. singing) sense and in the more literary sense. about how valuable i find them both, and how weak they've both become.

i rather suspect that the weakening of my singing chops is not particularly noticeable to anyone but me; it might come as a surprise to some that it's a calculated offense, or at least a side effect of it--i've been trying hard to tarnish the shiny patina it acquired during ten years of classical training; while technically correct, it's not very rock and roll. so i've been trying to rough it up. pull an ashlee simpson style makeover, if you will, only while retaining the ability to carry a tune and avoiding peculiar irish jigs while on stage.

unsurprisingly, as i work on this transition i've been finding myself caught in the middle of the styles. i want to give up my operatic flourishes, i've never liked the sound of them. unfortunately, singing more rock-stylee tends to both limit my range and make my voice hurt. i'm still on the road to doing it properly. so i'm stuck in the chasm between, mastering neither and feeling compromised while i'm at it. suffice it to say, i'm off my game. my game is in cuernavaca. and while i am confident that i'll figure it out, and it will be worth the wait...in the meantime i grow frustrated by the limitations i'm finding as i shake off the technique i took for granted. and it's hard, having to redefine myself within the confines of the thing i've always been best at, and finding out that, at least for now, i'm not really up to snuff.

so there's that.

there's also my mysterious voice ailments with regards to writing. you may have noticed my absence around here. i certainly have, almost as acutely as i've noticed my total inability to write new songs over the last year and a half. when i get het up about this, i am always reassured by biscuit that it will just take time, that i just need to find my new voice, the voice that has other things to talk about besides being brokenhearted.

this new voice is being irritatingly silent. or perhaps just slow. i suppose if i were it, i wouldn't be rushing to this sleety wonderland, either.

i wonder sometimes if it's just a lack of focus on my part, a sudden inability to distill situations and thoughts. or perhaps i just don't have anything to say anymore, an infinitely scarier prospect. but it's seeping out of the music and into other parts of my life. i feel like i'm quieter than i used to be; i have so little to say in this forum (though that can be attributed in part to the fact that work is taking up a significant quantity of my mental real estate, and we all know the golden rule about blogging and work); i haven't been writing songs; i feel like i've barely been speaking. and not that there's anything wrong with being in listen mode, but i'm used to being louder than this. and braver, which is another story, but another example of how i feel i've been on mute for a while, and i'm not sure why.

things have to change. things are going to change. i can't wait for the wind to blow this winter away. because the return of the sun heralds the start of a sorely needed adventure.

less than ten weeks to go.