bounce!

i believe in kismet, i also believe in making your own luck.

i believe in being pushed to make your own luck, for which i'll be eternally grateful to dom; his solution to my post-work despondency was to encourage me to make my sodding portfolio site and get out there already. which i did, in my scrabbling and breathless manner.

i built the site. i printed business cards. i posted myself on the net. i went into business for myself.

i went into business for myself.

(i like saying that.)

it's working out, in its own small way. it's a good start, business-wise; it's a great start general well-being-wise. i'm not self-sufficient yet; i'm not even making money. i have miles to go before that. but i'm on the path. i'm out of the office. i'm out of the woods. and though it's terrifying, it is unbelievably exhilarating.

i spent so long hating my job, hating my bosses, hating the work i was doing, that every part of my life started to take on the horrid cast of it. i would come home and start stressing about everything waiting for me at the office; i had nightmares about work; i would pitch up in the morning tuned up as tight as a snare drum, unable to fathom what lay in store for me during the day, what i'd have to cope with before i could just go about my business. was i going to get a hug or a lecture? would i be chastised for not being pro-active enough and coming up with new projects or for falling behind on the eighty projects i already had on my plate, as the sole acting copywriter, designer, customer service department, QA professional and receptionist for this company of two people, one of whom works offsite? i grew so used to it that it seemed normal, normal to have my life consumed by this. normal to have skyrocketing blood pressure at 25, normal to be covered in the acrid sweat of terror by 9:45 in the morning. normal to feed my youth to this lifestyle, to these people, in return for a steady (albeit small) paycheck.

a steady paycheck wasn't worth all that. sanity is always worth more.

and i'm finding my sanity again, slowly. apparently, i'm significantly more relaxed now that i am on hiatus from the 9 to 5; it's no small coincidence, i'm sure, that my blood pressure has dropped significantly since i left my last job. i'm doing things that i genuinely enjoy, the kind of stuff that keeps me awake nights not from stress, but from the thrill of creativity.

moving in this direction is, of course, rife with its own brand of stresses--where is my paycheck coming from, is anyone going to like the work, how the hell am i going to afford health insurance, can i really deliver on this?--but these are stresses i can cope with. these aren't stresses of guesswork and the mercurial temperaments of lunatic bosses, stresses you can't do a fucking thing about. they are equally scary, but not nearly so hopeless. these stresses are surmountable if you just keep your eye on the sunrise. and just keep moving.

so here's hoping i can sustain it, and here's hoping i can pick up some clients (hey, need some really reasonably priced graphic or web design?). and here's hoping i manage not to fret myself into a puddle. here's hoping i haven't just jinxed myself into oblivion.

here's hoping i can do this.

i can do this.

i can totally do this.

because despite everything that's happened (or, if i'm being honest, because of everything that happened), i am happy. and for the first time in a long time, i am full to the brim with hope.