confession.

i don't think i'm even capable of counting the ways in which winter depresses me. somewhere between the cold and the darkness, i lose my way. i'm not sure if i am helped or hindered by the fact that i haven't been doing much by way of leaving my house lately; the magic of freelancing. this reduced contact with humanity is probably not doing me good; while quelling my nearly omnipresent bloodlust for idiocy a bit, all sequesterment and no company makes shiv a batshit insane dull girl. lamentably, i lack sufficient impetus to get the fuck out of dodge daily. it's bad news.

i spent a wonderful morning sojourn yesterday with jen and her MK, a social gathering that was desperately needed, even in the aftermath of the new year's celebration. she encourages me to write daily, just to keep my hand in it; i agree with her, i should. my problem is that the topics i have to write about have already been covered to greater effect than what treatment i can give them. plus, the sad fact of the matter is that the topics on which i am rapidly becoming an authority (and which are, coincidentally, eating the bulk of my processing power) are ludicrously fucking dull. which is a shame, because they are defining my life right now. but i know all too well (and without malice--don't get me wrong. i'd be bored, too) that you are not particularly interested in my stupid visa application, or my hamfisted attempts to strike out on a new career. so i appreciate your indulgence while i try to sort myself out over here. you've been more than kind, if you're still reading after my disgraceful hiatuses. i just...it's been hard to write. it's hard for me at this point to commit to a public forum the fact that i'm as scared as i am. hard for me to admit that i'm frightened by the very real possibility that i've fucked up the most important paperwork of my life. frightened by the possibility that i do not have what it takes to build a new career. frightened that i'll never write another song, frightened that i'll become a social leper.

you know the drill.

and that's why it's hard. it's hard for me to be irreverent or clever right now in the way that so many of my nearest and dearest are so effortlessly, because i am having trouble seeing the lighter side of sears. i'm a total fucking wet washrag because all i can focus on right now is figuring out how the hell i'm going to claw my way to success (because i AM, even if it KILLS ME), and the fact that my bed is not just empty but cold; and that my dreams are bad as a result. i know i've been dull all year; one of many reasons i've been glad to see the back of 2005.

that is honest, that is the truth, and it's all i have for you right now. i want my sense of humor back, but the bulk of it is sitting out in the english countryside, counting down the days until the embassy calls us for an audience. until then, i'm going to endeavor to live up to the encouragement i've been given, and write more in this forum. ideally, to write about things other than work and visas, but to write about those if i come up short. because it's hard to get started again, and while i wouldn't presume to shortlist myself as a particularly gifted writer (or someone whose interest or talent lies in this realm), i enjoy it. and i do feel that on a certain level, it's extremely good for me.

but i promise: i will make an effort to get out and into a little more mischief. i owe you a little entertainment.