repetition.

i'm having trouble sleeping again. i find myself awake when the sky is still black, when on a saturday night i'd just be starting to wend my way home. i start with a shudder, not so much re-entering the waking world as landing in it with a thump. it's disconcerting.

it may have something to do with the dreams.

i thought that now, at last, the dreams would end. now that everyone is in a different place. now, i hoped, i wanted, i wished that the dreams would stop, because here in the waking world they are too hard to think about. these dreams, which ought to wake me with a smile, these dreams of being encircled in your arms, laughing and dancing and nearly broken apart with joy...these dreams fill me with a combination of painful longing and dread. these dreams are nothing but trouble.

these dreams are so vivid that i hurt when i wake from them. because i know what it's like to feel so suffused with joy, but i don't think i'll ever know what it's like to hold you like that. nor should i.

i want them to stop.