defying description.

to my extreme surprise, the word "dainty" was recently used (without irony) to describe me. this not long after i'd managed to spill not just my coffee but my bourbon all over myself and then very nearly take a header on the stairs.

dainty.

crikey.

it's not a word i would ever, ever use to describe myself. "solid," yes. "sturdy," yes (there is a reason i was always on the bottom of the pyramid when i was a cheerleader). "dainty," however? no, not so much. "dainty" is for pixieish blondes, with small wrists and translucent skin. "dainty" is for girls who know how to be girls (and yes, i think my girl qualifications are up for review--judging from the state of my hair, it's going to take some serious footwork to keep my membership card)--it is not for clumsy oxen such as myself.

i spent years wanting to be dainty. perhaps it's because i've always been so large--so tall, so heavy, so strong; i've always felt just a little too...big to be girly. it certainly didn't help that my nemesis in high school was the absolute epitome of "dainty"--blonde, blue-eyed, wasp-waisted and angelic. in short, everything i wanted to be, from a physical standpoint. the ultimate girly girl. whereas I was, and continued to be for many a year, largely waistless, dark (and unfortunate) haired, hulking, stomping and blessed with eyebrows that would make groucho marx proud. i was not even remotely girly. i barely scraped my way to "feminine." oh, how i longed to look like my nemesis! how i wished for her power!

(i had power of my own, of course--the power that many a woman has used as armor: wit, intelligence, kindness. but it paled in comparison to the obvious power of the feminine wile; paled in comparison to dainty. )

mercifully, i grew up. i have less regard for dainty now; mainly because as i got older, i learned to appreciate the strength afforded me by my solidity. i liked being able to engage in physical activity that a slighter specimen than myself might not be pleased to handle; i liked having a physical presence; i liked (and continue to like, actually) knowing that by sheer dint of my size, i could hold my own in a fight if i had to. i like that sara ramirez, who is about as undainty as it gets, is so smoking hot that i can't handle it at all. i learned that dainty does not automatically equate to girly, or feminine, or attractive, or beautiful. and that undainty doesn't automatically disqualify you from having those attributes. dainty does not a woman make.

(but i would be lying if i were to say that the fifteen year old in me isn't absolutely fucking THRILLED to have finally made it to dainty.)