mind over matter. or something.

so, i'm currently working very hard to try out this "power of positive thinking" thing. while brunching with biscuit, he brought to my attention a philosophy known as "the secret," wherein everything will work out if you just expect it to (see also: biscuit's natural outlook).

this is kind of an alien concept to me, queen and landlady of extreme pessimism. i always expect everything to go horribly awry and get kicked in the teeth for my trouble. and consequently (according to The Secret), this is why it so frequently happens.

it's a shame; i'm not sure i've always been like this. there was a time when new opportunities and risks and challenges were GREAT things--things to be conquered! things in which everything would go okay! (of COURSE i'll get that solo. of COURSE i'll make this shot. of COURSE i will win this race/prize/whatever). i don't know if it's a factor of age or just a factor of having been repeatedly disappointed throughout my adult life (terrible jobs, questionable boyfriends, the fiery death of my marriage, bouts with depression, not being able to get my shit together to accomplish anything, being repeatedly ignored by my father, etc etc etc), but my outlook has changed significantly since those heady days of youth. i'm not sure if i'm trying not to tempt the fates by remaining humble, or if i'm just resigning myself to disappointment. or, more to the point, i've resigned myself to being disappointed. disappointed in my life because it's inevitably crap. disappointed in myself for not being more extraordinary. for not living up to my potential. or something.

this is part of the reason that i'm trying out this positive thinking thing--i am really tired of hating myself (judging from the three interventions i got last week, so is everyone else i know). i am really tired of assuming that everything in my world is going to turn out stupid, and that it's my fault because i'm a bad, boring person. i'm over it. i am tired of being unhappy, and i am tired of settling. and most of all, i am tired of being to mean to myself (and oh, don't underestimate just how mean i can be). i am just plain tired.

i want love, i want happiness, i want joy and excitement, i want to be extraordinary, the way i once knew i was. i want to EXPECT it. i want to feel it is my due for being a good friend, and a good person; for just being plain awesome (convincing myself of that last part, however, is also something i'm working on doing).

so i'm trying. and i know it's going to be hard. so very, very hard. but you have to learn how to order from the universe sometime, i'm told. and for me that time starts now.

(please feel free to send encouraging thoughts/vibes/words. because this, i think, is harder than anything i've ever done.)