juillet 10, 2007
who, indeed.
be yourself, he says. just be yourself, as though myself is something i can even identify these days, that even exists. i've become a fraying pastiche, a walking catastrophe of neuroses and thrills, of half-interests and exhaustion that i don't even recognize anymore. i shimmer and quiver so much around the edges that i can't even be seen when looked at directly. i'm a goddamn mirage.
and this is not a good thing.
stop trying to be the person that you think whoever you're with is going to like, he says. just be yourself. people are going to like the person that you really are. i am going to like the person that you really are.
this is all well and good, except for the fact that i have no clue who that is anymore. am i strong? am i brave? am i more than the youngest member of a long line of alcoholics? am i more than the sum of my job or my talents?
when i say i'm a photographer, a designer, a musician, a fighter, a comic book character; that i'm stubborn and sensitive and lonely...that i love bourbon and sex and mint malted milk balls and violin-infused punk rock, does that snap me into focus? does it mean anything at all?
or do i need to tell you that i am terrified most of the time? or that i'm exhausted always being the grownup, and that i drink because it's the only thing that softens the edges of the shadows that worry me every night? that i see myself holding you all at arm's length, and feel powerless to pull you closer? and that i have no idea why?
am i kind? am i a good friend? do i linger in your mind when i've left the room? am i interesting or thought-provoking? do i make you laugh?
i know this much: i am loyal and loving, i am impetuous at times. i will drive across state lines to bail your ass out of jail, and i will overanalyze every email you ever send me, and every conversation we ever have. i will always be tired. i will always pull it together to be a great party guest, no matter how much i'd prefer to simply sit in the corner and watch. i am smarter than your average bear, though my nonexistent attention span means i frequently come off as entirely ignorant. i am nowhere near as glib or badass as i like to present myself, and i don't know why i can't seem to stop folding myself into shapes designed to be easier for other people to carry.
this whole thing is fraught with so much irony i don't think i can even express it.
how do you forget these things, honestly? how do you forget who you are?
my god, i would be unapologetically myself if i had any idea who that was anymore.
In matters of the heart, I overanalyze everything, too! It does get tiring at times when my insecurities go all outtawhack...always trying to get used to the feelings of fallin in love (be it with a person, idea, thing, etc), and trying to learn (*cough* aka overthink, lols) from all the emotional haywire I feel in relationships.
People are always changing, so you're just on that road to finding yourself again. Anew. At least that's what I like to tell myself when I feel lost and restless...
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."-Henry David Thoreau
Posted by: joannek at juillet 10, 2007 03:42 PMfwiw, i don't know how useful a concept of an essential self is in this day and age - i don't think one finds oneself so much as one creates it, and you create yourself everyday - through your writing, your music, your interactions with people. and from what little you show here, you show yourself to be complex and beautiful and interesting and good.
just my two cents.
x
"Be yourself" doesn't mean "Be the Platonic ideal of Shiv-ness." Being yourself doesn't have a thing to do with whether or not you prefer lilacs to lilies. It just means to do things for yourself for once; be aware of when you're doing things solely so other people will be accomodated, and you will be inconvenienced or hurt -- and quit it. I know you're aware of when this happens, but you always say you can't do anything to change it. Yes, you can. It's just easier not to. It's time to start taking the road less traveled.
Posted by: biscuit at juillet 10, 2007 11:29 PMI'm not sure I can be as eloquent as the comments above, but I have to try, The fragility, uncertainty and confusion are some of the main things that make us human. Like E said, you create yourself as you go along. Thoreau & Frost have been covered, so I have to go with one of my favorites from Bukowski. It's just the end of the poem, and I feel the idea behind the quote fits you well, i know you have that fire in you.
"I knew that I was dying.
something in me said, go ahead, die, sleep, become as
them, accept.
then something else in me said, no, save the tiniest
bit.
it needn't be much, just a spark.
a spark can set a whole forest on
fire.
just a spark.
save it.
I think I did.
I'm glad I did.
what a lucky god damned
thing."
Biscuit's totally right. Walking back to the subway after a rehearsal, one of the guys with whom I sing commented, "DJ, you're such a cheerful asshole!" If my tendency to enjoy myself whilst speaking my mind and doing whatever pleases me, regardless of the rest of the world, makes me an asshole, then I am. And I shall continue to be cheerful as long as I'm enjoying myself, whether getting drunk, doing drugs, having sex, making music, or spewing bile about how much I hate the MTA, the outer boroughs, and the sham that is America. I strongly recommend cheerful assholism. ;-)
Posted by: DJRainDog at juillet 12, 2007 05:03 PMWhenever I feel lost of myself, I like to tell myself that all I have to do is decide to remember. It's not a flawless process, surely, but the you you're missing is there, hidden and buried perhaps, but there nonetheless. You do write beautifully; that is certain.
Posted by: kerrianne at juillet 16, 2007 04:17 AMOMG.. Raindog is such an asshole.
Mirage's are totally cool! How else could you get a starving, dying man to run 320 yards to a 7-11 covered with naked women in the middle of the desert that's actually a cactus. Actually... mirages are kinda assholes too...you're not an asshole Shiv.
Who you are is who you'd be if you weren't worried what other people would say if you did and acted like you wanted to act. That includes someone being okay with you as you are. Everyone grows and changes. You'll figure it out.
Posted by: Jason at juillet 21, 2007 04:19 AMI sometimes forget who I am. Then, I have a really down moment and realize that I need to start being who I am. I have been a dating fool lately and I feel like "me" got lost in the shuffle. Perhaps I've been trying to be someone else, but not allowing that potential someone special see the quirks that make up "me."
Posted by: Girl Genius at juillet 25, 2007 07:16 AM