fun games (shivery is)

seastreet has come up with a lovely game. and, like a good little sheepling, here are my findings:

shivery is one of those people who have a life plan

shivery is now a feline-human hybrid

shivery is responsible for sports with a Championship emphasis including national and international events as well as managing the organisation of the World

shivery is a purebred connemara mare

shivery is the first Warmaster who lived to retirement in Kanni's history

shivery is absolutely delightful,

a hard worker, a great housemate and has a great sense of humor

shivery is as talented as she is lovely

shivery is a full member of House Argent and of the Griffin

Company, a new mercenary unit in northeastern Caid

shivery is a mosaic

shivery is upset by the ensuing melee

shivery is simply the greatest warrior that has ever been

shivery is still the light of their lives

shivery is self-employed and makes tax returns on a self-assessment basis

shivery is 'n Graad 8-leerling aan die HoÎrskool DF Malan in Bellville, waar die Weidemans

shivery is a fully qualified piercer with over three years experience

shivery is a spooky girl

shivery is the smut queen of redbrick

shivery is sitting in a box-like enclosure at the side entrance of City University

shivery is in 12/8 time

shivery is in no way dogshit-like

shivery is a paperdoll near completion

shivery is rushed from the contents

of a scrapyard, while Dan confronts his wardrobe of Savile Row suits

think happy thoughts

it's another song lyric day, my sweetlings.

got a smile that could knock you down got friends who will follow me and i don't owe responsibility but i know what i am and i know that i'm right...yeah yeah yeah!

fuck yeah.

god, wouldn't life really be so very much better if only we really did have our own soundtracks ALL THE TIME? my quality of life would increase so muchi might actually implode.

"there is no rope!" screamed the shiv

i'm having one of those bothersome mornings where there's definitely a burr under my spiritual saddle and i can't for the life of me figure out what it is. and i'm not feeling particularly prickly or anything...just kind of vaguely annoyed by...everything, i guess.

maybe it's the email i got from one of the people i interviewed for my apartment. the third one, trying to convince me that he was, in fact, truly homo-friendly (because if you're not, we're not going to have any fun living together) and that he was worried that the answer he'd given to the question had hurt his chances. to be honest, i don't even remember what he said, which means it was a satisfactory answer. the only answer to that question i remember is the lawyer who didn't remove his sunglasses, who said "...it's fine, as long as they don't. you know. make me uncomfortable or hit on me or something."

or maybe it's that the current roommate is being a bit of a brat, as though it's my fault that things are about to get complicated with the rehanding of money at all. like i'm the one who's leaving and making everything difficult. or perhaps i'm just really annoyed by his current addiction to dieting and propensity to describe the hours he spends running up and down the stairs in prospect park as "amazing."

maybe it's that my landlord asked me out to dinner yesterday, since i'm "no longer seeing that english guy."

maybe it's that "that english guy" is coming to town in two weeks. the same weekend that the changing of the roommate guard occurs. won't that be fun.

maybe it's that i'm here, at work, where i am subject to such delights as sally sue and her current monologue about natural contraception and how it just seems wrong to subject our bodies to pharmaceuticals for that purpose (hot on the heels of yesterday's "i don't really go out. i think people who go out drinking are kind of boring. i mean, have some imagination." funny, after that statement, i'd say the same thing to her. but that is neither here nor there), and they're ripping up the street they just finished laying down last week. again. noisily and in large chunks.

maybe it's that i forgot my damn cd's this morning, which i fully intended to post. this means a trip to the van brunt post office of doom hell tomorrow.

maybe it's the damn courier who comes in to the office twice a day and terrifies the living bejeezus out of me each time.

ah, hell. maybe it's just the phase of the moon.

mmph. but this too shall pass. hopefully by the end of the hour.

time for some serious guilty pleasure music. nothing brings cheer like a cheesy ass cd.

field trip!

i have two words for you, two magic little words that make every day better:

field.

trip.

and we just had one. thanks to today's office visitor, it was decreed that we would make a pilgrimage to none other than katz' deli, land of pastrami and the world's largest tunafish sandwich. it was divine. and on the company tab. word! it was also kind of amusing, the realization that in certain respects, i've not changed so much since i was in high school. the words "field trip" still inspire in me the same paroxysms of joy. the sense of freedom, of not caring that what you're actually doing is, in its own special way, just as tedious as school. or work. but it's neither. and that's why, as your shoes melt and you become one with the asphalt on the lower east side, you continue to beam at your incredible good fortune.

in other news...

1. there is only one true biscuit.

2. "i want you" by elvis costello: howling fantods. guaranteed.

3. my friend map boy is a remarkably skilled dj (with impeccable taste in music). lolita bar is frightfully civilized, in a good way.

veronica sits in her favorite chair

Your Horoscope for June 26, 2002

PISCES

Your instincts will serve you well today. They'll help you to do just the right thing at just the right time in just the right way. But don't think you have to do everything at once. The time to really push yourself hard is next week, when Mars and Jupiter join forces. The more you prepare yourself now, the more success you'll have then.

and the companion piece, the best email of the day:

Oooh! "He can bloody well come and get me!" Oh, you little minx, you! The PST is on a rampage and I love it! :) If you keep that attitude, you may well qualify for world-wide divadom in a very short time. :)

happy happy must leave office now before i CHEW OFF MY OWN ARM.

deja vu all over again

just when you think that things are slowly but surely dragging themselves back to some semblance of normal, you get little reminders that nothing, really, is ever going to be the same. at all.

case in point: two wicked thunderclaps just ripped their way through the metropolitan new york area. when the first one announced itself, no less than half the pedestrians on the streets of lower manhattan jumped at least a foot and regarded the sky fearfully.

this is what we've become. some psychopaths with plastic cutlery managed to make the mighty afraid of storms.

ground zero is clean. our primal fear centers aren't.

news flash

ROOMMATE FINDING EVIL NASTINESS IS OFFICIALLY OVER! i have a new roommate and his name is trent.

things i should have said

1. oh, what are you working on?

2. do you know anything about this person you're interrogating on thursday?

3. how are your cats?

4. did you know that modest mouse will be playing at the knit next month?

5. maybe we should go?

6. meet me in the park tomorrow at one.

7. how are the robots?

those are all the appropriate ones i could think of right after i hung up the phone.

time to be patient.

alas.

so, it looks as though i'm not going to be on tv after all.

no further questions, your honor.

ass-whuppin'!

that's it.

i officially hang up my hat of attempts at friendliness, or even cordialness.

sally sue is off the roster.

the final straw: today, i called a little meeting (little being maybe ten minutes) because i have two design projects upon which i'd sort of reached an impasse. i needed some outside input, so i called in the troops. she spends the whole meeting staring into space, arms crossed. when we ask her her opinion on something, she replies "oh, sorry, i was thinking about the kids guides."

to which my little brain retorts (not out loud, unfortunately): sally sue, if you're not going to be part of my team and help me out here, then get back to your own fucking work. i already know you think it's more important than mine. so forget the fact that i'm respectful to you in your meetings, forget the fact that i've done a truckload of your work in the last few weeks because i know you're swamped. don't worry about showing me respect or anything. bugger off.

how my heart would have sung if i'd actually decried that aloud. to be honest, i respect the fact that she may have had pressing other things to do. but then she simply should have said so and opted out of the meeting, rather than sit there and make it so clear to my face and other co-workers that she thinks that what i do has no value.

what's with today today?

salty jesus i might be on tv.

i'll keep y'all posted.

thank you, nerve magazine. perhaps this is my piscean madness moment.

frivolity! gossip! frivolity!

okay. batten down the hatches, my sweetlings, now comes the part i'm sure we've all been waiting for after a weekend of silence: the interpersonal insanity roundup!

let's rock.

item! my current roommate is a holy terror when he's drunk. i keep forgetting this. a barrel of monkeys, to be sure, but a holy terror. it was all i could do to keep us from getting our collective asses kicked on our way home friday. just for your future reference, it's not really a good idea to walk down the street in a predominantly puerto rican neighborhood screaming "hey, mamita!" at every girl you see. keep that in mind.

item! my potential future roommate seems to be easily confused--inexplicably, he came to the conclusion that the apartment was in manhattan, and so was very confused when the address he thought i'd given him turned out to be the flatiron building. go figure.

item! roos is confounding the entire known universe by seeming to be the conduit through which all pisces luck and mayhem is going before it gets released into the world. read his diary. it explains much. except for what's with today today. mystifying!

item! minority report is surprisingly excellent. go see it. mulholland drive is surprisingly confusing. go rent it.

item! so, wonder of wonders,my infamous crush (henceforth known as "robot boy") actually called. a day later than he said he would, but...wow. that's not something that i'm used to, as i'm sure you all know. i am the champion finder of men-who-don't-call-first. and it was a nice evening. any evening that starts off with a knock-down, drag-out discussion of semantics, logic, language and the relationship implicit therein is bound to be a good evening. or at least an interesting one, because of the early establishment that all parties involved are hyperarticulate and always up for a good sparring match. which meant there was much to talk about. and there were other nice aspects. not that kind of nice, mind you. believe me, i'd be screaming that from the treetops. but...pleasant. hopefully, it will happen again soon. he has agreed to join me on wednesday to go see my friend spin at the lolita bar. on the condition that we a) don't let each other drink too much. it is a school night, after all. b)share a cab home. hm. after much deliberation, i agreed to these terms. here's hoping it actually happens. not holding my breath. much.

item! every year, new york city buses travel over 107 million miles. that's approximately the distance from penn station to mars. neat!

item! it has just been revealed to me that the ex is coming to town on july 15-21. chaos. debauchery. this will be the second time he's been in town when i'm in roommate flux hell. i am...agitated, because i have no idea what that week's going to be like. so, darlings, if you can keep some evenings of that week free, i might need counsel out of fits of twitchiness.

item! 7th ave. bookshop is, quite possibly, my favorite shop ever. ten bucks, two books (both of which i actually really wanted to read)...it's one of my sunday treats. new book on the way to brunch.

item! in a continuation of the above sentiment, i am very much in awe of this new relationship i seem to be having with sundays. i think they might actually be my favorite day of the week. sleep late, hangover brunch, new books, lazy wander around the hood, afternoon movies, afternoon parkness, good wholesome fun. restful after what is invariably a weekend of total, total mayhem.

item! it seems that biscuit has rejoined the world of the living. huzzah for sight! when do i get to see the frames, eh?

and on another note...i've really been made very aware of this little community we've got going on here out in our little diary havens. not wanting to wax rhapsodic or anything...but it's kind of nifty. i like peeking in on people's lives, letting them have a look at mine. i like that i almost got a roommate out of it, i like that i'm going to get to give some advice on how to nagivate my alma mater. i like that i get a different perspective on the people i see on a regular basis. i like being able to get all of those stupid things i've got to say or obsess over out of my system without having to deal with the absolute mortification of saying them out loud. 'tis rather therapeutic, it is.

okay. fawning gush moment over. back to reality.

chameleonic

today's topic: personal identity. those things we do which hallmark us, that we affect so that people will remember us in a certain way, as though the affectation will make it truth.

perception is, after all, nine-tenths of the law.

we all ache to be perceived in a certain way by those that surround us. sometimes, we go to lengths to make ourselves into our own avatars, perpetuating our own myths. we dye our hair, change the color of our eyes, bronze or bleach our skin, wear certain clothes certain makeup cut our hair a certain way...we costume ourselves to convince everyone that we are, in fact, a certain way.

the thing is, though, however much we may wish to control our destinies in such a manner...we frequently lack the power to create such a transformation by pure will alone. we require the corroboration of our peers. people need to believe in the change before it becomes real. if it doesn't have that organic, "okay this makes sense" kind of aspect to it, it never ceases to be a costume.

now, i'm not saying that it can't be done. look at madonna. all i'm saying is that you need complicity, otherwise it's weird. look at pat boone: the metal years. look at michael jackson circa bad. no one believed for a second that he was that tough. so, the leather and chains makeover was a bomb. madonna, on the other hand, is so thoroughly convinced that she can do whatever the hell she damn well pleases, that we're convinced of it too.

as always, we can all learn from madonna.

and now, petunias, what's the moral of the story?

as salt n' pepa have said, "whatever the mind can conceive or believe, you can achieve."

remarkably astute, those ladies.

be whoever you want to be. just believe it, otherwise no one else ever will.

next installment: gossip and hearsay, a few behavioral reports. you know, the good stuff.

~fin~

feeling hot hot hot

hm. the evening may have just taken an interesting turn. we shall see. watch this space for either a rant or a rave tomorrow.

meanwhile...another silly quiz result! this one made me feel much better about the universe at large:

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

jesus marimba, it's hot. time for a vodka tonic.

happy fucking friday.

i'm hating my feet badly right now. actually, i'm hating many things badly right now, but the feet are in the closest proximity.

the funny thing is is that the very thing which is making me hate them is the exact same reason i feel abominably sorry for them.

see, they're suffering the early summer contusions and they've got it bad. cuts, scrapes, blisters, calluses, nastiness, you name it and it's currently making an appearance on my tootsies. they're heinous and they hurt.

i keep meaning to get a pedicure, at least get someone to give them a bit of a rub, relax the poor cramping tendons. but i continually put it off. not sure why, because i think that it would make me irrevocably happy to have my feet taken care of. they'd probably protest being squeezed into bitch heels a lot less. or sandals. or boots. or just really shoes, for that matter.

my feet are angry, and for a pisces that's not good.

maybe that's why things are feeling so fucked up right now. all the piscean gods are punishing me for abusing my feet.

ah well. at least it hasn't yet rippled out into my friends' lives. they all seem to be doing just swimmingly.

item! who the fuck calls up to make an appointment to see an apartment at ELEVEN O CLOCK AT NIGHT? not that i'm not up then, it's more a matter of principle.

item! who the fuck calls to cancel a date twenty minutes beforehand, when the girl is on her way to the venue and the excuse is that he wants to spend the evening with his cousin?! and why do i even care? and why is this sort of bullshit a recurring pattern in my life

god. maybe i should just run off into the sunset with twelve-year old snaggletoothed pret boy and be done with it. it appears less and less that i'm ever going to do any better.

why bother.

why can't it ever come out right?

oh, that's right. this is my life.

and the plot thickens

i had a dream last night that half of my skull had fallen out of alignment with the other half, so there was a dip at the crown and a strange protrusion at the nape. in the dream, i was not particularly fussed over this. it seemed normal. but then, i also looked sort of like a gelfling, so i suppose there wasn't much that was going to shock me. odd.

anyway.

the roommate search takes some interesting turns...my frontrunner has opted to seek her fortunes on damper shores (and i am atingle with envy, my darling. best of luck!). i've met with one local potential. and there's a very distinct possibility that if i don't find someone in time, i may be subletting the room to someone i work with until september, when his wife arrives.

i know. odd, right? welcome to my life.

we'll see how it goes, as we always do.

in other news...i have a date tonight. with tattoo boy. i was feeling super brazen, so i decided the world had to be my oyster tonight. yesterday was crystal and gorgeous. no reason to relinquish the sensation today.

what can i say, i'm a greedy girl!

y'all will get the gory details tomorrow.

i don't want a lover.

i am running on caffeine and carbohydrates (coffee and bagel. breakfast of champions). i've got so much of both in my system i'm positively vibrating.

yep, definitely out too late last night for a schoolnight. ah well. 'twas most worth it.

and this is kind of good--my tiredness and jitteriness is definitely helping me to maintain and support the excuse i gave yesterday whilst chucking my sickie (so to speak)

and i get another late night tonight--recording out in bushwick. but at least tonight i'll have the sense to wear my boots instead of heels. let me tell you--last night, i was trotting about in my apex-o-fabulousness skyscraper heels...which, despite their good looks and relative comfort, are not conducive to the amount of walking i did yesterday. those boots are not made for walking a mile at a time. and i've got the amazing blisters to prove it. fortunately for me, i was (as always) out with a lovely pair of my boys, who put up with my mincing and gimping with laudable aplomb. i love my boys. i have such good boys. it kind of makes you wonder how it is i end up dating such complete fuckwits when i obviously know how to recognize the good ones. perhaps its born of some deep-seated desire to be agonized? pink (that philosopher for the ages) was recently quoted as saying "you can't be creative when you're happy"...maybe i'm subconsciously trying to prolong this supposed creative streak i'm not actually having? i must remain unhappy for the sake of my art? in all brutal honesty, my artistic streak has not been overwhelmingly productive of late. frankly i think it means i'm ready to be happy, and then creativity will follow.

then, of course, the question remains: what is it going to take to make me happy? what is it that i'm ready for that is missing?

i am ready to start performing gigs.

i am ready for a vacation.

i am ready to finish all of my damn half-finished songs.

i am ready...i'm ready to be a girlfriend again. which is kind of a silly thing to say, not entirely worthy of a fierce and independent creature such as myself, but i know it to be true. how revelatory. i'm rapidly getting over this particular spate of serial dating. it's bad for my self-esteem. i am now craving proper intimacy. trust. stuff like that. i've asserted my independence. i know what fabulous feats i'm capable of when left alone. and i'm stable enough in myself to not want to be alone right now. not to need that kind of thing, but to want it.

so the question is this: will shivery find her prince? will she make beautiful music? is the summer going to be hot and sticky or just humid and irritating? these are questions which has stymied greater minds than the one writing this missive.

stay tuned for the answers to these and other questions.

ciao!

<

the PST tries new debauchery.

honestly. now that spring is almost over, i've got a worse case of spring fever than i've had since about the age of sixteen. it's disgraceful. not only are my hormones utterly out of control, but i find myself absolutely unable to concentrate or otherwise function when the weather is nice--all i want to do is be outside. all i want to do is gallivant.

so this morning i decided to give into the fever.

fulminous' musings on rebellion lit a fire under me (so to speak)...and so here i am, enjoying the afternoon shade in my apartment, having just returned from manhattan on a delightful day of hooky.

sometimes, being the office sicky makes life easy. i've showed up with medication so many times that no one even questions it anymore when i say i'm feeling odd.

mmm...deception.

it really all started this morning, when the horrible tandem wail of my two alarm clocks (yes, two. i am difficult to wake) jolted me into consciousness and one got hurled across the room. literally. despite numberous threats, i'd never done that before, so i considered that a very definite sign that i should reconsider the shape of my day. if i was getting violent with inanimate objects, there was no telling what i was going to do to sally sue in the office. so, i figured the very best course of action was to call in sick. the fact that it is the most perfect day in the world outside right now had nothing to do with it. nothing at all. no, really. nothing. noth--

anyway.

so, i've been having day of indulgence. did some much-needed shopping (i had to tie up my inner accountant in order to do it, but it was worth it)...met roos up at bryant park for lunch. there was a jazz festival going on there. really, really good ensembles. we sat in chairs on the grass (it was slightly damp)...had sandwiches...looked at buildings (bryant park has the interesting distinction of being a vantage point from which you can see every single interesting building in midtown simultaneously. gives you an idea of how many there are, i'm sure.)...looked at boys...i saw someone strip down to their white jockey shorts, however, and upon that i had to leave. so, i've just returned home, and am going to have a little bit of afternoon me time before i head out into the gorgeous, blazing, breezy, fabulous wild blue yonder a bit later.

sometimes being slightly naughty is better than anything in the world. today has been so nice i can just taste it. bliss!

you can take the girl...

you can take the girl out of california...

but you can't take the sick dependence on sunlight out of the girl.

i just spent my lunch hour doing exactly, exactly what i should have been doing today. instead of going to my kickboxing class, in its dark and strange subterranean hole, i spent the time in the park. beneath blinding sunlight with a book in one hand, spicy tuna roll in the other, listening to a blues guitarist and his accompanying washboard player while i soaked up a truly prodigious amount of sunshine. it was absolutely a delight.

though i would never peg myself as a sun worshiper (it's very difficult to maintain a deathly pallor when you play that game), i must confess that there is little else with the power to elevate my mood so completely. something about warm skin and warm sandals, fresh grass under your feet, relaxed muscles and toasty hair...well, it's most definitely my cup of tea. if for no other reason than that the sun, unlike every blanket in my home, every jacket in this office, every sweater i wear in an attempt to stave the chill off (shivering girl again), the sun has the capacity to finally pull the winter chill from my bones and return me to the world of the living. and potentially happy. and not stressed.

and i suppose that's the best part. this whole roommate situation, this whole work situation, this whole life of mine has been stressing me out quite a bit. forty minutes with the sun in my hair has done a significant amount to alleviate that. mmmm....nothing like radiation to cure what ails you. alert your local nuclear power council now!

and, alas. however. 'tis so fleeting. back in the office for fifteen whole minutes now, and already my back is tense. and my fingers are starting to shake.

cold or psychosomatic anguish? you be the judge. in the meantime, point me towards the sunblock.

spf 45, please.

nothing in particular

the world is seeming very quiet right about now.

is everyone sleeping?

i discovered last night that i sleep very well by candlelight.

i don't think i'm going to kickboxing today.

i think i'm going to go sit in the sun and smoke cigarettes and eat sushi at bowling green instead.

i am burning a new raft of my ep's.

it is about thirty degrees in here. my fingers are blue. i am shivering.

someone told me the other night that a shivering girl is very sexy. he would find me appealing as hell right now, then.

i see a shivering girl and i generally just want to give her my jacket. it's not the point at which i find ladies most appealing. call me crazy.

the soundtrack to bring it on has almost none of the songs from the movie. go figure that.

(

that's it, we're breaking up.

so, for once i'm writing this not from my joyous cubicle hell space, but from my apartment. where i am alone, listening to the wind howl as it attempts to truly convey the fury of this rainless thunderstorm we're having. and as i sit here, i'm thinking quite a bit about this whole soon-to-be-empty-nest thing i've got going on. i find myself thinking about it as though what's ending is not some mutually beneficial living arrangement, but the end of something more important.

i feel like we're breaking up.

particularly because i'm spending a lot of time analyzing the whys of this situation. thoughts like "i've been noticing he's been awfully distant...is it something i've done? should i have done the dishes more often? did we not go out enough?" very odd.

i'm going to miss him when he's gone. ah well. he's only moving to carroll gardens. and, no matter what my little brain is saying, we're not breaking up.

and, this whole roommate search is really going a whole lot better than i'd first anticipated it would.

not bad for only knowing about this for only twelve hours, i'm going to have to say.

the alleviation of certain types of stress (or, at least the lessening of it) makes me happy. it leaves many memory circuits free for other lofty pursuits. like the memorization of lyrics to INXS songs. or wondering who let ryan adams and the corrs cover the same song. or what tattoo boy is thinking. or what to do with my family when they come to visit.

see? lofty pursuits! fun things!

follow me or perish, sweater monkeys!

Your Horoscope for June 17, 2002

PISCES

You've done well in difficult circumstances these past few weeks, and if no one else has seen fit to give you a pat on the back, you should reach round and do so yourself. A few days from now, the sun moves in your favor and all your patience and hard work will start to pay off. That's something to look forward to.

Amen to that.

i like looking forward to things. i just have to make sure i don't look forward to them too much, lest they become anticlimactic. the same thing with things i fear. hm. but then, maybe that's a good thing with the fear business. hard to get fazed when you're disappointed. "c'mon, that's not scary! you can do scary! remember what you were thinking this was going to be like? c'mon!"

a little anticlimax is good for getting past things.

how odd. hadn't thought about it like that before.

* * *

in other news...i have the theme to 'growing pains' in my head.

shoot me now.