bounce!

i believe in kismet, i also believe in making your own luck.

i believe in being pushed to make your own luck, for which i'll be eternally grateful to dom; his solution to my post-work despondency was to encourage me to make my sodding portfolio site and get out there already. which i did, in my scrabbling and breathless manner.

i built the site. i printed business cards. i posted myself on the net. i went into business for myself.

i went into business for myself.

(i like saying that.)

it's working out, in its own small way. it's a good start, business-wise; it's a great start general well-being-wise. i'm not self-sufficient yet; i'm not even making money. i have miles to go before that. but i'm on the path. i'm out of the office. i'm out of the woods. and though it's terrifying, it is unbelievably exhilarating.

i spent so long hating my job, hating my bosses, hating the work i was doing, that every part of my life started to take on the horrid cast of it. i would come home and start stressing about everything waiting for me at the office; i had nightmares about work; i would pitch up in the morning tuned up as tight as a snare drum, unable to fathom what lay in store for me during the day, what i'd have to cope with before i could just go about my business. was i going to get a hug or a lecture? would i be chastised for not being pro-active enough and coming up with new projects or for falling behind on the eighty projects i already had on my plate, as the sole acting copywriter, designer, customer service department, QA professional and receptionist for this company of two people, one of whom works offsite? i grew so used to it that it seemed normal, normal to have my life consumed by this. normal to have skyrocketing blood pressure at 25, normal to be covered in the acrid sweat of terror by 9:45 in the morning. normal to feed my youth to this lifestyle, to these people, in return for a steady (albeit small) paycheck.

a steady paycheck wasn't worth all that. sanity is always worth more.

and i'm finding my sanity again, slowly. apparently, i'm significantly more relaxed now that i am on hiatus from the 9 to 5; it's no small coincidence, i'm sure, that my blood pressure has dropped significantly since i left my last job. i'm doing things that i genuinely enjoy, the kind of stuff that keeps me awake nights not from stress, but from the thrill of creativity.

moving in this direction is, of course, rife with its own brand of stresses--where is my paycheck coming from, is anyone going to like the work, how the hell am i going to afford health insurance, can i really deliver on this?--but these are stresses i can cope with. these aren't stresses of guesswork and the mercurial temperaments of lunatic bosses, stresses you can't do a fucking thing about. they are equally scary, but not nearly so hopeless. these stresses are surmountable if you just keep your eye on the sunrise. and just keep moving.

so here's hoping i can sustain it, and here's hoping i can pick up some clients (hey, need some really reasonably priced graphic or web design?). and here's hoping i manage not to fret myself into a puddle. here's hoping i haven't just jinxed myself into oblivion.

here's hoping i can do this.

i can do this.

i can totally do this.

because despite everything that's happened (or, if i'm being honest, because of everything that happened), i am happy. and for the first time in a long time, i am full to the brim with hope.

change.

silence has reigned in this space. here's why.

on the last day of march, i had my first taste of celebrity. the comic book came out, and i was asked by the artist to meet him at a signing; i asked if he would hand out postcards for my band at the signing, to which he agreed readily, and i was thrilled. over the moon. i lovingly and carefully printed them out and sped to the venue, ready to drop them off and then mill about the stacks looking at other comics that i was interested in. this plan was thwarted when i arrived: phil gave me a smile and handed me a pen, telling the assembled fans that the star of the book had arrived and would be signing. to say it was surreal doesn't even begin to cover it; nor to say it was anything less than awesome. suffice it to say, it may actually go on record as one of the most amazing nights of my life.

on the fourth day of april, i came into the office to find that i no longer had a job.

since then, my life has been a whirlwind of what feels like futility. there have been resumes. staffing agents who make me feel like it's a personality flaw that i have a rather definite schedule over the next nine weeks. staffing agents who tell me that i've been woefully underpaid for my skill level, and that they will see to it that that trend grinds to a halt. frantic work done on a personal portfolio site. filing for unemployment. stupid assessment tests. interesting and intimidating assessment tests. an interview. fear. concern that i'll never work again. money worries.

at least the nightmares have stopped. that, at least, is a good thing.

a good deal of the last few weeks has just been spent patching up my self confidence, which has taken a bit of a beating.

i confess i'm luckier than most in this situation, in that i have someone to take care of me and pick up the slack during this time. this is, apparently, what partners DO, support each other when the chips are down. this was somewhat of a revelation. also, i'm eligible for unemployment this time, which eases things a little. only a little, but sometimes a little is enough.

so that's where i've been. it's not really been particularly interesting on the public consumption front. i've been feeling low, and frightened, and occasionally hopeful. i'm worried that i'm not going to find another job; i'm worried that i'm going to find another job whose primary function is to kill my soul. i want to think that this is a blessing in disguise, that perhaps this is the opportunity i need to change the direction of my career slightly, and go into graphic design like i've wanted to for the last few years. at least now i have time to build up my portfolio, assuming i can scare up some projects. it's certainly a blessing in that i don't have to deal with THOSE PEOPLE anymore.

basically, while things aren't really spectacular right now, they're not too bad; i like to think that the only way from here is up. at least, that's what i tell myself.

i'd quote oscar wilde, something about the gutter and the stars, but i think that's a little too precious, even for me.

more than just a walk in the park.

i'm waffling right now. this has been a tumultuous week to say the very least (how things change from friday to friday), and i'm still in process mode. i promise i'll tell you about it once i've sorted a few things out. in the meantime, i hope to soothe my soul by engaging in Something Good. as you may or may not have heard by now, like many of mein peeps, i've joined team tribe to do the nyc aids walk. my goal is modest, i'm hoping to hit $200, and i'd like you to help. click the banner to donate to the cause.

that is all.

nausea.

so, i had a fantastic weekend. and i was going to write all about it, but now, being back at the office, i feel entirely too sick to my stomach to talk about it right now. perhaps later. ask me about it.

i know the golden rule about blogging and work, but i'm two for two on jobs that suck away my soul and work really hard to lower my self-worth. i'm not quite sure what i'm doing wrong.

eight weeks. eight weeks. eight weeks.