when you're having fun.

christ on a bicycle, where is this month going? last time i checked, new york was mostly underwater and it was about two weeks ago. where the hell have i been?

a few activities that might account for a bit of this lost time:

1. recording.
at long long long long long last, we finally went into the studio to start work on the masterpiece that will be our EP. seven hours have never flown by faster, and never have i been more frustrated by my voice--seven hours, not a single usable vocal take. this is becuase i've been unbelievably sick for the last, oh, i don't know. four months or so. the instrument, she is a little weak. it's not nearly so bad as it has been, but it was just off enough that it makes me very sad.

however!

we go back in in a few more weeks to finish this puppy up, and hopefully i'll be in one piece at that point, and there will be much rejoicing. hopefully.

2. working like a crazy person
we're in the middle of a big transition period here at l'office, and as such we've all been running around like craaaazy people, trying to finish approximately twice the work we're accustomed to handling. it's weirdly satisfying, but extremely tiring.

3. singing at carnegie hall.
it was a work thing, and less exciting than it sounds. but hey--it's a great party anecdote, and a weird sort of bragging right. it's also probably why my voice was so shit last weekend--i was just getting over having lost my voice when the carnegie hall experience happened, and i had to push it a little too hard, thereby almost certainly setting myself back a day. or two. or six.

4. being sick. and stupid.
my death rattle is back, and i've finally come to terms with the fact that my chronic illness is very likely the result of my inability to do normal things like sleep or spend any time at home ever. so that's something to work on. at least i'm taking vitamins now.

5. finishing up my class.
i enjoyed my class, i really did. but oh my god am i glad it's over. back me up with this, fellow creatives--by the time you get home from work, the last thing you want to do is more creative stuff, right?

okay, maybe that's just me. but between work, freelance, school and the band, i find myself entirely devoid of creative impulse when i have a rare moment to myself. i'm not sure i even dream creatively anymore; the only ones i remember are alarmingly full of math. (scary!) getting this one thing off my plate will be, i think, a very, very good thing for me.

6. starting a new project. (which, actually, if you are a fan of my back catalogue, might be of some interest to you)
which i will tell you about if you are curious enough to email me about it, but that i'm probably not going to publicize for a little while yet, for many different reasons. mostly because i am...

7. dealing with a few issues in the old personal life.
don't ask. suffice it to say, despite having managed to dig my backbone out of cold storage, the whole thing is exhausting and i cannot wait until it's all wrapped up. because until it's all wrapped up, there's a lot of stuff that i can't say in this forum, and until it's all wrapped up i will remain, to a degree, on tenterhooks.

8. and other miscellaneous pursuits
going to the park, eating pancakes, reading lots and lots, researching the best Ultra Black mascara currently at market (suggestions?), daydreaming, counting the seconds until i can sleep again, running, being cranky, drinking bourbon, entering a spelling bee, nearly drowning in the nor'easter, losing earrings, expecting the worst but hoping for the best.

this is what we talk about.

shiv: when you think "prepare for the unexpected," what objects do you think of?
biscuit: hahahaha a passport and a handful of foreign currency?
biscuit: maybe like
biscuit: a compass?
shiv: so far i've thought: galoshes, umbrellas, first aid kits, flashlights, swiss army knives...
biscuit: yeah
shiv: okay. so i'm not missing anything totally obvious?
biscuit: i'm trying to think of something that isn't actually "prepare for a camping trip"
shiv: hahahaha!
shiv: actually, i think camping is pretty unexpected.
shiv: that whole...wilderness thing.
shiv: ;-)
biscuit: BAAHA
biscuit: maybe a can of bear repellent
shiv: haaahahahahahahahaha
shiv: like this?
biscuit: OMGOMGOMG
biscuit: HAHAHAH
shiv: and you thought you were just being cheeky!
biscuit: wow.
biscuit: Certified to repel any species of bear!!!
biscuit: I mean, prepare for the unexpected
biscuit: should relaly be things like
biscuit: ...a set of brass scales
biscuit: an old walking stick with a weird knob on top
biscuit: maybe a 1920s telephone
shiv: or a ninja star
biscuit: three cases of chewing gum
shiv: four bottles of rubbing alcohol
biscuit: I mean...THOSE are the kind of things that will be unexpectedly useful.
shiv: so true.
shiv: paperclips. a bolt of burlap.
biscuit: A personal trampoline.
shiv: an extra sock.
biscuit: I COULD USE THAT ALL THE TIME

amusant.

today's meme.

i rather suspect that my views of myself and the views of other people on the subject of myself are going to be quite different. should any of you opt to participate.

(note: if we could fill in blanks, here's what i would actually have chosen:

determined
neurotic
flirtatious
reckless
impulsive

yep.)

what may possibly be my favorite email ever.

on not quite being up to having an A-game last night.

"This just in from New York…

Shivery Timbers has announced that she expects to be bringing her B- Game to to the table tonight. This represents a significant upgrade over yesterday's claim that she would be bringing C Game. Forecasters, noting the upwards trend, are bullish and have begun buying shares of Shivery (ticker symbol: RED)."

push it.

i push myself too hard. this is fairly common knowledge, but it's one of those truths that i typically prefer to look at only sideways, through a squinted eye. i only really stop to think about it on days like today, when i'm home from work with yet another mystery illness. it has finally dawned on me that the (probable) reason i've been so sickly all year is the fact that i've been running myself absolutely fucking ragged. and it's starting to show.

backtracking a little, last week was not a good week. friday to friday were pretty much seething piles of stress, which meant that by the time i woke from my hour and a half of extremely distressed slumber on saturday morning, i was in no fit state to do anything, much less sing my wee broken heart out--a fact confirmed by the later revelation that i showed up at rehearsal looking like i'd been beaten up. but show up i did, and sing like a banshee in a pitiful effort to exorcise my demons. really, what i should have been doing was sleeping. this was doubly reinforced at yesterday's followup rehearsal, wherein i had no voice of (or with) which to speak.

naturally, that's the day we decided to record vocal scratch tracks for rehearsal purposes. i'm listening to them right now and cringing at the broken, plaintive edge on my voice.

i also cringe at the memory of how fucking difficult it was to coax even those rough shrillings out of my throat yesterday. i am accustomed to my voice being a responsive instrument; doing what i ask it to do with little fanfare and minimal resistance. and i hate the way i feel when i can't control it; there are too many times when i feel that it is the *only* thing i can control. which might go a long way to explaining why i am feeling so burnt right now; burnt on work, on people, on love, on continuing to fight the good fucking futile fight in this stupid, difficult city.

with my voice gone rogue, i am not in control of anything.

and no good has ever come of that.

a certain cold poetry.

it was wonderful being in love with you, if only for a night.

though what a pity; you never really heard me sing.

goodbye.

let's talk nostalgia

swoon

you may or may not know, but i had a low-to-medium-grade obsession with REM for most of my adolescence. it waned a bit in college, and fell off almost entirely after the album "UP" (and let's be honest; i'm just not sure i ever quite got over the exit of bill berry. i heart him and his divine unibrow).

but finding this...i may have some catching up to do.

and i should probably get my turntable out of storage.

musing on the wild west.

my trip lasted just over 36 hours, from touchdown to takeoff. during that time i:

1. discovered that there's a certain amount of pleasure to be had from being the only non-blonde in a room (even if it means i have to get other people to get my drinks from the bar because the bartender refuses to acknowledge me).
2. realized i'm turning into my father. scary.
3. also realized where i get my curious tendency to have fourteen kinds of vinegar on hand at all times, but nothing to actually eat. (parents, i'm looking squarely at you!)
4. got my ear cuff back. this is a bigger deal than it sounds like.
5. lost my work ID. no idea where. and texas is very large.
6. repeated the following sound bite until i started to choke on it: "yes, i'm j and p's daughter. yes, i live in new york. yes, i still sing. yes, it was a lovely wedding. no, my husband's not here."
7. taught my father about flickr.
8. planned my trip to china.
9. hung out with my brother.
10. determined that i am a total fucking yankee. like, so much.

and that about sums it up. they're totally crazy, but i miss my family sometimes.

return.

my restorative trip to texas was not so restorative as i'd hoped.

i am home now, and tired, and a little depressed, and more than a little lonely, and i have a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that i wish would go away.

since, you know. i can't seem to go away without everything turning into a total fiasco. which makes for awesome stories, but makes me want to cry anyway.

it's late now. and i'm hoping that things will seem brighter in the morning. and that i'll find the strength and resolve i'm going to need to make it out of this hole i've stumbled into.

perhaps i'll find it hidden in the sofa cushions.